The first thing I noticed 19 years ago when I quit working was the world kept turning. I felt certain the HUGE Corporation I worked for would fold without my guidance. They didn't. Close, but that really had nothing to do with me. Then I noticed that, in general, there is stupidity everywhere. Epic stupidity. And people get paid for that. I want to get paid for pointing out what defines stupid.
First week I was adjusting to being unemployed I spent every morning reading the paper and watching The Today Show. I had a girl crush on Katie Couric, not THAT kind, a sisterhood crush. I enjoyed watching Bryant Gumbel. He was just so....snooty or hilarious. His interview with Prince should be enshrined in a museum somewhere. And Prince's visit to the show for Bryant's day should be beside it.
Then I saw a commercial for a laxative, not the one you are thinking, and said to myself...THEY HAVE TO BE NUTS! Why? They used James Brown's "I Feel Good", though not the name of the song, as the theme while showing happy people dancing and smiling about how good it felt to poop. THEN, the voice over guy says, "send us your video tapes showing us how good, name of laxative, makes YOU feel". I was stunned for a minute. Do they NOT know what is going to arrive in the mail? Are they unaware of the antics pervs and teenagers can conjour when asked to tape how good pooping makes you feel? SO glad I didn't work in the mail room. The commercial didn't run very long...DUH!
Then one morning they had a guest on, a PhD. who teaches at UT Austin. He was my brother's advisor. I anxiously awaited his segment. He was there to discuss his latest study, government sponsored I'm sure, on Why People Have Sex. WHAT? I believe it was a five year study. Conclusion: to have children and because it's fun, not necessarily in that order. Thanks for that. Been wondering why people have been having sex since there was no such a thing as a PhD. Wow, procreation AND fun. Who knew?
When the country became captivated with the Soprano's I was confused. More mafia? Isn't the subject dead in the water, literally? No, GREAT DRAMA! OK, I watched an episode. The great drama escaped me. New York accents thick enough to be gravy yelling at each other and the F word seemed to serve as the noun and verb in most sentences. I talk like that, NOT great drama. Potty mouth.
One weekend I was visiting friends who had the Soprano disease and they HAD to watch. I get that. OK, I can entertain myself with a ball and a string easily. They also have three and a half acres, a gorgeous porch and pool. Think I will be fine for an hour. NO, I had to watch. I just didn't get it. I had not given it a chance. Fair enough. I hadn't.
The scene opens with a crew robbing some sort of warehouse. There were three men as I recall. One of them is grunting and moaning as he craps in the corner on the floor I believe. My host explained to me that it is the character's first heist and he's nervous. OH, shitting on the floor, great drama. Then the dialogue began. I'm sorry, those weren't sentences. I counted the number of times a form of the word "fuck" was used in five minutes. Twenty seven times. In five minutes. Even I don't use it that often and I am the Queen of the "F" word.
I watched the rest of the episode and still didn't get it. People at war, killing each other, disowning family and needing a therapist about it. Yeah...good plan. I imagine in real life those men struggle with the decision to be criminals who hire killers to cut down their enemies. Uh uh.
Then there was OZ. A gritty drama about prison. NO thanks. Don't really want to know that much about prison. NO, it's great drama. Guys fight and get raped, it's great. Hmmmm. No.
I sort of got used to stupidity as reality TeeVee became a national thrill. American Idol, The Bachelor, Big Brother, Survivor, etc. I gave up. Stupidity had won. We are now a nation of voyeurs who will watch people eat bugs for entertainment or makes fools of themselves for a man or a woman who has agreed to become engaged to one of twenty some odd strangers. HURL.
Then last week I heard about another scientific study, must be government supported, that made me want to kill my television. This one, "Why Men Like Breasts". WHAT? Someone spent money on this? Why men like tits? Excuse me? Can we have a study about who on earth think that deserves a "study"? Hello, you paid someone to look at boobs for science. Just call me, I have theories.
As if my intelligence had not been insulted then I listened to two women explain how fascinating it is that girls used to want to dress like their mothers and now mothers want to dress like their daughters. Hi, it's because women our age can't grow up and designers cater to that ego driven, "I can't get OLD", issue. Have you shopped for women's clothes? I can't tell if I am in juniors or just simply the Tarty department. This is NOT fascinating. This is stupid.
People used to laugh at me because I had an All My Children fixation. It came on the air my last year of high school I think. I watched from day one. The evil twins, the dead people who keep coming back with amnesia. The most evil TV character ever, Billy Clyde Tuggle. Phoebe and Langley and their multiple off spring with twins marrying the same guy. Women showed up as hookers and ended up as matriarchs of the town. The richest men in the world lived there. Erica and all her husbands, my hero, not really. Mona and Myrtle, The Martins, Joe and Ruth so perfect. Everyone else evil.
Yes, it's stupid. It is also Pulitzer award winning writing compared to much of what is on the air today. In my humble opinion.
This morning I turned on the television to make sure the government hadn't killed us or had an actual gang fight in the halls of Congress and I couldn't believe the topic of conversation. Apparently some other young girl is missing in West Virginia. No body, so suspects, police have released no information. What does the media do? Call in a "Criminologist" to discuss who could have harmed this child. Her answer, "don't know, the police aren't saying anything. That means they are keeping all the information close to their vest so to speak".
OK, that's it. I have a new title in addition of Queen of The Universe. Now I am the Stupid Expert. I am going to hire myself out as an expert and get on the TeeVee. I am going to tell people how stupid they are. Politicians, actors, directors, writers, producers, advertisers, celebrities, other experts, the media. Bring it on. I can say "stupid" in sooo many ways.
Special note to Dr. Oz. SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT YOUR POOP SHOULD LOOK LIKE. Thank you.
Lillybell Blues
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