INVISIBLE

I have always loved the scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates rams the VW because she is "older and I have more insurance". I was a relatively young woman when I saw the movie and I didn't realize how Ms. Bates' character felt until I passed the age of 50.

This is not a whine about being older. I love it. I wouldn't not go backward for love or money. I like wiser better than younger. I wasn't good at "younger", I was stupid. I am not that good at being "wiser" but now I have the convictions of my actual beliefs not what I think I believe.

When you look back through history you will find rare instances where old, barren women are revered. They become invisible. Some Native American tribes left their old women to wander and die after their husband and warrior sons died. Some Northern Native American tribes set their old, useless women on ice floes. Women who could no longer have children and had no men to protect them were a drain on these societies. So, bye bye...those polar bear bites only hurt for a little while.

Thank heaven I have a husband who cares for and about me, as I do him, but if he should precede me in death, I will be ice floe material.  It's odd to realize that someday I will be alone. No parents, no children, no grandchildren to bounce on my now aching knee. What is today's equivalent of an ice floe? Being invisible.

I already experience this when I am out in public by myself. Eating a meal alone in public is odd, Try it sometime. Waiters keep walking by your table because they assume you are waiting for someone. Why would an old lady be alone? When they finally ask for your order they make sure you don't want to wait for the rest of your party. No, I am a party.  Going to a bar by yourself is all about attention when you are a young woman. When you are my age, you are the sad old broad at the bar. People stare but not in an ooh la la way. It's more of a "wow, poor old drunk", way.

If you complain about a bad product or bad service you are that crazy old woman who doesn't have a clue and should be scorned. Eye rolling, heavy sighing, irritation, and a condescending attitude from 18 year old clerks. Sorry, I don't want the wrong order...don't tell me what I did or did not order. I'm old, not senile. I could stand in a big box store all day and look confused and the "help" walks by as though I am a statue. Sorry I don't know the difference between a "two gang electrical box" and "a three ganger".

The only place I feel normal is the grocery store or Bath and Body Works. Every single employee wants to know if I need help or if I am aware of all the sales. Yes, my cataracts are not so thick I can't see the 436 signs all over the store.

I will be the crazy lady with the cats. I will be the one the neighbors finally call the police about because of the "weird smell" coming from the apartment next door. They will find me bloated and covered in cat hair and write a very sad article in the paper about the old woman's body no one will claim.

For my 70th birthday, should I live that long, I am going to get a tattoo with my name, SSN, and where the paperwork is with my final wishes noted. My epitaph: She Became Invisible.