INSOMNIA

Sleepless nights. We've all had them. Sometimes because of something too difficult to let go of. Sometimes it's because you met that someone special and they are so hard to let go of. Sometimes it's because that someone special accidentally fell into that woman's vagina. Or your girlfriend accidently got stuck on that guy's penis. That is not insomnia. I only mention this because the next person who asks me, "why don't you sleep?", is going to be face planted on a hard surface.

See, I have insomnia. First experienced it in high school. When I was a Corporate Diva insomnia was my nemesis. After a while it becomes apparent to others that you are not sleeping. People start to ask you if you are OK because you look like hammered, reeking, death. When you explain the insomnia problem, and I guess it is natural, the next question is always: "why don't you sleep?". I have always tried nicely to explain: if I knew the answer to that I would be famous and rich and not have to waste my time explaining why my hands are around your throat as I am talking.

Insomnia is not so much being unable to sleep. It is being unable to turn off your brain. "Turn off your mind relax and float downstream", thank you, John Lennon and the Tibetan Book of the Dead. WHERE IS THE OFF BUTTON?

Insomnia is sleeping in short bursts that never allow REM sleep. Just a few minutes here and there and you awaken already in mid thought. Like, zzzzzzzzz, cat food, didn't get it. damn they will be hungry in, 3 hours and 45 minutes, must go to the store zzzzzzzzzzzzz first thing, must go to the store, wonder what else I need zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz since I can't sleep maybe I should just get up and make the grocery list zzzzzzzzzzzz BANK, have to go by the bank zzzzzzzz that woman was soooo annoying I really wanted to reach across the table zzzzzzzzz and explain POLITE zzzz to her smugness. zzzzzzzzzzz what was that noise? cats on plastic? no, rain on tin foil? zzzzzzzz that doesn't make sense, better see what zzzzzzzz quiet now. zzzzzzzzzz wonder why the government is so stupid zzzzzzzzzz wouldn't it be better if zzzzzzz.

I think you get it. It's like chatter, all night. Like a radio station that you can barely pick up, distant but enough to keep your attention.

Yeah, shut up in there.

Over the years doctors have given me many things to help me sleep. Some of them were comatose awesome. They don't let you have those anymore. Ambien and Lunesta are supposed to be THE cure. NOPE. That little green butterfly never showed in my room and Ambien just makes me wonder how many times I wandered around the house eating almonds last night. I have unexplained bruises from bumping into furniture.

My husband, of course, sleeps the minute he closes his eyes and snores within 30 seconds. We have a constant shuffling of, "I'll go to the couch", "NO, then I can't wander....I'll go to the couch". "No, then you won't sleep at all. I'll go upstairs and sleep, you stay down here and wander. Try and sleep". LIKE I'M NOT TRYING!!, I mean "goodnight".

It's morning, now I'm tired. I could sleep like a 4 year old, but no, I have things that must be done today so I will just be tired. I am tired of tired.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lillybell zzzzzz Blues