GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE JOBS

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for one of those jobs with the singular qualification of being opinionated. This seems to be a growing field in Christian Religion, Politics and Sports. I am incredibly opinionated AND judgemental so I feel uniquely qualified for any of the above mentioned.

There seems to be many ONE TRUE churches with THE ONE TRUE TRUTH based on the REAL TEACHINGS of GOD. All these religions are based on one book, The Bible. These churches and sects of Christian religion all believe they have interpreted the word of God based on a book written by men. If you combined the beliefs of these sects you could not: dance, give gifts, drink coffee, alcohol, be a woman and have an opinion and many other "MUST NOTs". On the other hand some of the sects believe you should: handle snakes, sleep with the "chosen one" if you are young, a virgin, (pretty doesn't hurt), and/or have multiple wives. No religion believes a woman should have multiple husbands, hmmm. REALLY, I can make up a better religion and get on the TEE VEE so please consider me.

OR, Politics. I know I would excel in this field. I can say nothing about everything like all the "experts" on the air. I also have an uncanny ability to rant and rave and threaten hell raining on your head if you do not follow my political beliefs. This is my finest quality. I can support my party no matter what. I can tell the other side how literally stupid they are and be defensive constantly. I feel I could out ugly anyone.

Sports. It currently takes approximately 6 people to tell you about the game you are going to watch, who is playing, their background, who is likely to win, who is likely to not win, disagree and be a smart ass. This is the first step. During the game it takes approximately 3 people to explain to you what you are watching,. This does not count the people on the sideline, court side, on the field, who yell at players who cannot possible be heard over the explosions, crowd noise and general revelry. Then following the action the remaining 3 or 4 "experts" tell you what you have just witnessed. They say things like, "if you want to win you must score more points". WOW, I stand humbled.

I am currently working on improving my skills in repeating the news everyday and giving an opinion on whether or not Casey Anthony killed her daughter. I must hurry!  As a back up, I am taking a crash course in Arnold and Maria.

I feel I would bring a lot to the table in any these "nothing but air" fields. You can reach me telepathically because I do that as well.

You're Welcome,
Lillybellblues