I never had a cocaine addiction. I had a cocaine problem. My problem being I couldn't leave any left in the little jar, plastic sleeve or envelope. It was a gradual problem like most substance abuse. I couldn't stay awake and I couldn't sleep. Insomnia isn't being unable to sleep because you are physically tired it is because your brain won't ever stop. My brain was constantly buzzing. Work stuff, music stuff, married stuff. Stuff, stuff, stuff.
At some point at Xerox, management figured out they had made many mistakes. Asking people to move their families to a new location, sell their home, live in the heat, work in a huge environment instead of a tiny mom and pop environment. They had way too many first line managers and not enough peons. It was a mess. As each new branch moved in Xerox would give them a welcome that included a basic pep rally and free food. Many people knew that I sang and that Zelda and I both wrote poems and lyrics so management decided it would be cute for us to parody a familiar song with lyrics about how dysfunctional everything at the Center was. Pay me to be funny and insulting, yeah, I like that. Then find people who can sing, rehearse them and then perform. This was all in my other spare time. A new song for every move. Then it was for every visitor. Then people would ask me to write a little something for their Aunt Betty's 80th birthday. Have sarcasm, will travel.
I gave up the guitar. I had time in my car to learn lyrics and harmony listening to tapes but you cannot play and drive, at least not legally. Well Eric Clapton probably can but not me. I played the songs I already knew in performance and sang the new ones and used one of the many rhythm instruments we had. It was fun. It worked and I had the three part harmony that I so loved.
After playing until midnight on a work night, trying to sleep, failing to sleep, getting up at 4:00 a.m. going to work, getting home about 6:00 p.m. and no sleep again one gets cranky or crazy. I did both.
Cocaine on the other hand got me through performances, weekends, occasionally days at work but of course did not help with the sleeping problems. I needed sleeping pills for that.
I got a prescription for Halcion which is a Greek word meaning coma. Thirty days worth of sleep. That was helpful for the entire thirty days then I was wide awake all the time. Sometimes I would sleep in increments of 20 minutes or so. It was maddening.
Of course if we played we needed cocaine. If we bought cocaine we spent all the money we made playing music. There was also the small problem of having to finish the cocaine. No point in leaving any for the morning because just a little wouldn't be enough and you would need more cocaine. This was completely logical to me. As long as you finished all the cocaine, no problem. This is great with a gram, not so much with an eight ball.
Another thing about performing in public is that people want to give you cocaine. They feel privileged that their straw is up your nose. Yay, generous cocaine people. So, really, why sleep? There was little point. I got used to going to work with no sleep. I wasn't good at it but I got used to it.
My husband, Elsie, on the other hand went in to work at nine a.m., cocktail hour was usually around 11ish, he had Wednesday off so he and Kia could play golf but he did have to work on Saturdays. He watched TV or listened to music and talked to customers in the store. He was also responsible for collecting money. Not the call you on the phone collection, the go to the door and demand the money collection. He had his stresses. I had mine. These stresses were beginning to take their toll.
It was around this time I started hating drunks. Hating them. Being a wienie drinker I can't sit and knock back 12 or 14 anything. I can have two cocktails before I become embarrassing. I hate beer. Elsie can drink his weight in beer and have a few cocktails and NEVER HAVE A HANGOVER. I smell alcohol and I have a headache. I started having issues. I still had that small moral center of the universe thing. I was right about everything. I was also ready to feel like an adult. Having no children except for the man you are married to makes knowing when to grow up difficult. I was always exhausted, always in a bad mood, way too much pressure from all sides. Then WE started having issues.
I felt like I had multiple personalities. I was Corporate Barbie at work and Musical Barbie in the clubs and Bitchy Barbie at home. Something had to give and it most assuredly was not going to be me. I had given plenty. My way was the best way about everything and I was stunned that people did not see that.
Thank heaven for Shaneequa and Bubba. Without them work would have killed me.
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