As a badge carrying member of the Xerox family, reading over my new hire package I just couldn't decide who to call first. Dad? Tell him I finally had a job with BENEFITS. My favorite benefit, two weeks PAID vacation effective immediately, 5 paid personal days, sick days and paid holidays. Or I could call Elsie, he would be at work, maybe even Kia would be there and I could share my good news and tell him that I had dental too. He didn't have ANY insurance that I recall, maybe a policy he had to carry himself. I don't remember Kia being struck with generosity towards his brother. Yes, call Elsie first. Make him sorry. Make him wonder what if...yeah, that will work. No it didn't.
Is it wrong to take vacation on your first official day of work? Yes. I was following my Mentor Wonder Woman. Once I found her in her office resting her head on a metal file cabinet because it was cool. She had severe migraines but always came to work. Had she been pregnant I am sure we would have had a delivery at the office but like me she had no children. Her decision was choice. Didn't matter, I saw us as Corporate Sisters, loyal to the company, personal lives second. She was a very powerful figure and I was very fortunate to work so closely with her.
I was busy all the time. There was no time to waste at work. Then the drive back to Ft. Worth at 5:00, that took about an hour and a half. The drive in was only about an hour. I got to work early, first it was 7:00 a.m. so I could have an hour to do something before the calls started. Then it was 6:30, then 6:00 a.m. Eventually 5:30 became my arrival time. By the end of my career my alarm went off at 3:30. Xerox demanded your all for your pay and great benefits.
The thing that drove me crazy was that I missed Elsie. Ached for him sometimes. We had such fun together. That loose, easy going, easy laughing, music crazy connection. We had taken vacations together to New Mexico and Colorado in his Z car and every second was FUN. Just riding in the car, listening to or singing along with tunes. Taking roll after roll of film. WHY DIDN'T HE MISS THIS?
Still, somehow I was shooing away men like gnats. Was it a funny joke from the universe that suddenly I could pick any man I wanted and I couldn't have a baby? Did I ooze something that said, sure cop a feel. I just wanted to be in my little pit.
Christmas came very quickly that year. Little things like working ourselves to death at Xerox, Zelda worked in billing, was not going to stop the Christmas Party! No Way. We decorated at night, we called in favors to have the doors taken off, the porch readied, all the food and booze readied and as usual on Christmas morning we still had a thousand things left to do. First, I had to go to my parents house and have the traditional Christmas morning ritual of gifts, then turkey dinner, then back home to get ready to party. Dad was finally getting easy to buy for. He was directing a church choir, studying American History and building a room on the back of their house. And he still worked full time. NO depression. No insomnia, just driven.
While mom made the traditional Christmas Coffee Cake, (Sara Lee), I arranged all the gifts and rearranged the ornaments on their tree. Can't help it. Christmas police since I was 6. The phone rang and I grabbed it. It was Elsie. Calling my parent's house on Christmas morning? We chatted for a minute. He asked about the party and could come and bring my Christmas present? I said sure, I had a date for the party just FYI but of course he could come. Then he said the words. "Let's get married". I did what any woman who had been hurt and disappointed by the same man over and over through the course of years would do. I said yes. We agreed on January 4 at the courthouse. No parents.
Elsie arrived at the party with a beautiful framed photograph. We didn't say anything to anyone, especially my date, that we would be married. I knew my friends would think I was an idiot but be supportive and then talk about me behind my back. That's what friends do to, it isn't hateful, it's genuine concern. Between the party and January 4 we let people know. I had my parents meet me for lunch the day before the wedding to tell them I was getting married again. Mom said,"are you marrying Bart?" I said, "No, Elsie". It was a very quiet lunch. They didn't know all the details they just knew that Elsie and I didn't seem to stay together very long. "Well, good luck", said my dad. "Do we have to meet you at the courthouse?" "No", we need a witness and Kimmie is doing that for us so we're fine. You'd drive downtown for three minutes or wait hours for three minutes. Besides, you've seen me married before." I didn't want any "car" references at my wedding.
Elsie took Tuesday morning off, we got married in our finest blue jeans and he went to work. I went to his, now our, house and when he got home we went downtown to a fancy hotel and honeymooned. We decided we'd go to the Port A in the spring as an official wedding trip. This was after all my third marriage and NO honeymoon. I was Mrs Elsie. Took me nine years, a marriage to another man, disappointment and fury but now we were happy. We glowed. I found us very cute and noted we made other people want to hurl. Yay!
Zelda, bless her heart planned a reception for us at what was now her house. She invited friends, co workers, Wonder Woman and my parents! UH OH. Please Divine Ruler, do not let my dad open his mouth. Please do not let him talk about "cars". Dad announced he wanted to toast the newly married couple. "Please don't let him say Elsie pulled me from the junk yard and filled me with Bondo or overhauled me or both". He didn't. This analogy was about baseball and striking out twice and if I should strike out once more I was out of the game! I better get right this time. Wasn't he funny? Yes, he thought he was. I took him aside and told him if I ever got married again, which I wouldn't, he would not be invited. "Learn how to toast. Lie if you have too".
I didn't really care. This was it. In my gut I knew it. We were going to be a happy, fun loving, cool couple and I hoped sing again. I needed to call Jeff. I had been so busy I just hadn't had time. Mental note to call and see him.
I saw him in February. We talked about Elsie and me being married. He reminded me of his warning in their living room so many years ago. "Make sure he's good to you". Jeff played me a song he had written for his new niece. His voice sounded strained and like the effort was too much but still a beautiful lullaby. He was writing more and more. He was thin, he looked yellow, he had sores on his arms. This couldn't be good. Please let him get a kidney.
It was the end of March, a Friday when Callie called. Jeff was on life support. I needed to say goodbye. He was at a hospital in Fort Worth and they didn't know how much time before they would have to take him off the machines. Zelda and I sped to the hospital. I went to see him. His chest rising up and down mechanically. He was swollen and puffy. This wasn't Jeff. This was just the body being kept warm and moving. Jeff would have sat up and had a great one liner about mechanical breathing.
This was just wrong. Jeff didn't deserve to die. His family, MY family didn't deserve to lose him. Too Cruel. Life is just too cruel. I stayed home Saturday and waited for a call that he was gone. Sunday morning I got up early and drove to the hospital. I went to the intensive care unit and was immediately stopped by a nurse while I entered Jeff's room. "Only family", she said. "I am his sister", I replied honestly.
"You go", I said to him. "We are all rightly pissed that you get to go first". "You save a spot for me and when I get there I expect you to introduce me to Jimi and Janis and John. You tell Mr. Lennon that I expect to be in his band". "I love you, my brother". I couldn't watch him anymore. I touched his face and said "See you later".
Even now when I hear a song unexpectedly that reminds me of Jeff I always say, "Thanks, Watatuse", a nickname from his childhood. I know he smiles somewhere.
Jeff, I still miss you.
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