I was beginning to fear for my mental health. I figured crazy couldn't be too far behind. It is not my nature to give in and not whine about something I want when I don't think what I want is unreasonable. I wanted to move closer to my job so I could earn enough money to live and have tons of vacation every year. Elsie wanted to sit in his house forever and live 20 minutes from work on a bad day. There was no answer, there was no compromise.
Then let's move some place in Ft. Worth that is OUR house, not your house. That seemed ridiculous to Elsie as our house payment was cheap. Our neighborhood was also deteriorating and soon the property would not have the value it currently held. We lived one block over and three blocks east of where I lived when Bridget was my best friend. Moving inside Ft. Worth didn't seem like a solution either. I really just craved some sort of change. I felt like I was dying on the vine. All my friends, or most of my friends, had children and were completely wrapped up in the wonders of their lives. I had a stressful job and a quasi-husband.
I finally said the words: "You need to decide. Do you want to be married to me and let's grow up and have a goal, some goals, something other than when and where the next party is OR do you want to be a Bub and party and hang with the same people and tell the same stories over and over? When you decide, let me know so I can start making plans to start over again if I have to." Elsie said he would think about it which of course means, "yeah I don't want to be married to you anymore". And that's what he said three days later.
So there you have it. Being married to me is not quite as good as partying and drinking. Sounds about right. OK now all I need is money and a roommate unless I wanted to live in a ghetto. I had a car payment and an engine payment and credit card debt. Xerox didn't pay me what I was worth. There wasn't enough money in the world or the budget.
Yay! I was going backwards again. I just love that. Plus there was the added thrill of telling my parents that once again I was going to be revorced. They were so proud. I guess it was pride. It was hard to tell through the head shaking and crying,
So proud to tell everyone I was getting revorced. And all the arguing and dividing of things, that would be fun too. Time to start saving money so I could afford first and last month rent and deposits and cable and whatever else would be needed, like furniture.
That all sucked but what really bothered me that was not even love worked. Or my version of it. Or our version of it. That blew every theory I ever had about relationships. I believed in TRUE love. Not anymore. I believed in, "leave me alone you sorry bastard". That went for everyone with a penis, unless they were gay. I was done. I could be the crazy lady with cats and a job. That was fine and probably where I was destined to be anyway.
I was never getting involved in another relationship much less get married. I obviously was not good at that. I mean I could get married but staying married seemed out of the question. So the hell with it. Men seemed as useless as tits on a boar. I would stand on my own two feet and work my ass off so some day I could retire to be alone. No husband, no children. Awesome. It was that or kill myself and I am far too chicken to do that. While God and I were still at odds I didn't want to have that conversation about how I didn't value my life. I feel certain He/She didn't want to hear about how pissed off I would be forever that I didn't have children.
Old Maid. I could do that.
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