Where to begin. OK, let's get this out of the way. I know I have written about this before but why is network TV determined to develop programming about when men were men and women were stupid? Hi, welcome to the Playboy Club. What? Do they still even have those anywhere? Let's see, all the women will be stunningly beautiful, almost naked, some will have that heart of gold which makes up for the lack of brain. There will be the real smart, unbelievably gorgeous girl who is a Bunny to get her degree in molecular biology. There will be the man that sleeps with all the Bunnies. There will be the Bunny who really loves him. Yeah, speaking as a woman. I will be watching something else.
Not to be outdone ABC has developed a program called PANAM about Stewardesses! OH GOODIE. I can only imagine this gem. "Pillow fight in Brussels, girls?" "Can't wait", giggle. Pilots being macho, macho men. Girls being so happy to get that flight with the cute pilot! Deep. Maybe one of the girls will save a baby on a flight. Bet it happens.
Viagra, Cialis, whatever penis drug. Thank you so much. Nothing like dinner with a reminder in the background that men can take a pill to get it up. Is there anyone in the world who does not know this? Is it necessary every dinner time to remind America that a look, a special touch can turn into something? I want to see one of these commercials from a woman's perspective.
Woman: Tonight at dinner I accidentally touched my husband's hand. I didn't mean to. That old coot ran immediately to the medicine cabinet to take that damn pill. Really? Again? We have been married 47 years. FINALLY didn't have to put up with his clumsy love making and semi hard hoo hoo. NOW it's hard as a rock and he is still clumsy. Please can you manufacture a reverse pill? Have you seen my husband naked? He hasn't seen his penis in years and now he thinks it's a trophy. HELP ME!!!
Politicians. Time to hear more B.S. in fourteen months than we have heard in four years. "I will change the tone in Washington". "I have a plan to restore jobs in America". "I will restore PRIDE in this nation". "I have more experience than anyone else". "I am for the common man". "No new taxes". "We must preserve our natural resources". "Going to balance the budget". "Going to work across the aisle". Yeah, none of that will happen. We will lick it up like cream though. I love that now the candidates will have million dollar, fortified buses to campaign in and so will the secret service. I feel certain these are gas guzzlers and we paid for them. YAY! Hope they are comfortable.
Cooking Contests on TeeVee. OK, stop it. The food network used to be an interesting and fun way to learn new recipes and things to cook. Techniques and use of implements like grills and pressure cookers, mandolins. Things you don't use every day. Now it is nothing but ridiculous contest. Cupcake Wars. Cake Wars. Grilling Wars. Sugar Design Wars. The Next Food Network Star Wars, (couldn't help it). Dinner Impossible. Throw Down with Bobby Flay. And the eat all the ________, in one sitting. STOP IT. Cook or shut up.
Make overs. Please. Why? What is the country's obsession with this? Before and After. OOOH, that is amazing! Trust me, if you go to a professional hair and make up artist you are going to look different. If someone gives you nice clothes, you will look different too. OOOH, not that big a deal. AND the next time I hear a "fashion consultant" say that "animal prints are in this year", I will find them and scratch their eyes out. Isn't that every year?
Designers on TV. All kinds of designers. Fashion. Home. Garden. Car. Motorcycle. Look, a beautiful ________in only 30 minutes. No. You can't even lay out everything you need in 30 minutes. Feathers look lovely in your hair. Birds don't think so. We trick your ride. Say what? Please leave my ride alone. We design and build bikes. We only know a few words though. Most of our dialogue is "bleep".
SURVIVING THE WILD. Drink your own urine or that of a friend if you are ever lost in a desert. NO, that is not going to be my first concern. SHADE, mofo, that will my concern. And a cell phone signal. Hi, somehow got lost in the desert on foot, can you come get me? How to ward off bears. Stay away from them? Just a guess.
Why aren't we all young and beautiful and thin? We should be. There are products on the market to take away everything. Wrinkles, gone. Split ends, gone. Pimples, gone. Gray hair, gone. Cellulite, gone. Pantie lines, gone. Rolls of fat, gone. Spanx for you from toes to ears. Squeeze it all in. Now men can have Spanx too. Varicose veins, gone. One million plans to lose weight along with "a sensible diet and exercise". DUH.
Smart water. Excuse me? Vitamin water. Say what? Tiny flavor packs to put in your water. DRINK THE WATER. Pretty much perfect on it's own. Flavorless, unless you have nasty water, hydrating, cold, it's really good for you all by itself. Smart water. Is the water smart? Does it make you smart? Is that not defeated when you pay more for the water to be smart? Smart Water. Stupid Drinker. So don't get that.
Razor blades. How many blades does it take to get a close shave? First is was one, then two. Then three that vibrate. Soon we will have razors with 17 blades that spin and dance the lambada on your face. Shaving cream. Cream for men, cream for women. Isn't all the same stuff, different can? Reminds of the 70s when men coiffed their hair and used hair spray just for men. WHAT? Hair is hair, spray is spray??? Was there testosterone in there?
Now it is hair color. Women have theirs. Men have color, Just For Men. Why? Same chemicals. Same application process. Isn't it really just hair color?
I feel certain Stupidity part 3 can't be far behind.
LBB
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