January 31, 1993. The last official day I was on a payroll. Bye work, bye benefits, bye 5 weeks vacation. I was going to be a lady of leisure. I was going to be a housewife as soon as my fiance was beaten to death in court by his never gonna quit wife. Longest divorce ever. I was officially on 5 weeks vacation and I had all my 401K money. I was financially equipped, I just wasn't really sure what to do. Every one I knew worked. Hmm. What to do? Sleep late! Never happened. Read the paper. YES! Everyday. Nice. Watch the TODAY SHOW. Loved them. After that? I was lost.
Then I found Martha Stewart. I knew Martha already from some PBS specials but watching her make millions of dollars teaching people, mainly women, how to bake cookies, make beds with perfect corners, do laundry and create every craft project on earth was great. BRILLIANT! Martha was teaching the first generation of women raised in day care centers and feminists who wouldn't stoop to woman's work, how to do it! All of it. Basic cooking techniques to fancy, tres chic dinners. Cleaning, gardening, sewing, menu planning and table setting.
CRAFTS! Martha knew every trick in the book. Holidays. She had at least 5,823 projects for every single one. All you needed was a glue gun and a completely stocked craft room to complete any of her projects. They were beautiful. And her Halloween crafts...the best. Best ghosts ever.
She taught you how to organize. The woman has made billions by being your perfect mother. Or your annoying mother-in-law. And creating lines of every product you need in a house didn't hurt. Smart, smart cookie.
One day I was watching Martha. She was at the ship yard. She was going to cover everything you need to know about outfitting your yacht. I don't think that worrying about a yacht will ever be an issue for me. Now What?
The old standby Oprah. I, like most of America, think she is an amazing woman. I also think she lost her way a bit as she became the most powerful woman on earth. One day Oprah was airing a show about "my" musical, The Color Purple. Meet, "my", cast. Meet my "lighting people", Maybe not the lighting people, but Oprah made it quite clear, this was "MY" production. Wonder what was Alice Walker was thinking? Can't see anyone taking claim for "my" Romeo and Juliet.
Then Oprah had the gurus of everything. Love, money, diets, exercise, medical doctor, whatever Dr. Phil is other than obnoxious. I got rather sick of Oprah. Still admire her greatly but I feel she bowed out when she should have. (My Fox New friends assure me she left her show because Obama embarrassed her and ruined her ratings. Fair and balanced....right, far right). Oprah left because she has more money than some countries and can do whatever she wants.
I was an ABC soap fan when I was younger. All My Children, One Life To Live, General Hospital. I had grown into adulthood with Erica Kane. Then other ABC fans of different soaps insisted the other two were better. I taped all of them on VHS tapes during the work week and spent Saturday mornings fast forwarding through the tapes to get the important plot twists. Most of soap opera dialogue is bringing the audience up to date on the action. example:
Karma: you mean Steven still does not know that his baby was stolen from the hospital by Evan?
Casher: No, Karma, the whole town has decided to keep the secret. We replaced the baby with another one conveniently left on the doorstop of the witch who lives outside of town. A stranger just left it on the doorstep.
Karma: The witch who is really Venus' mother and just lives as a witch hoping that she can set Venus' spirit free?
Casher: Yes. Since Venus was thrown off that bridge by her alternate personality and the body never recovered, she just hasn't been the same multi-millionaire business magnate. She lives anonymously as a witch. But a kind, good witch. Although the police think she killed those two kids.
OK, the only scenes you really need to watch are: Any scene where any character/characters get in a car. There will be an accident. If a character turns on a TV in the scene, there is breaking news effecting the entire town. Any scene where the evil character is alone. Introduction of an entirely new character. If the new character immediately meets a regular character of the opposite sex and they hate each other, they will be getting married eventually. The only other important scenes are the obvious ones: the climax of whatever storyline, watching the bad guy get his/hers. When a main character is wrongfully incarcerated. The discovery of the unknown twin and when presumed dead people return from the dead.
Now Oprah is gone. The ABC soaps are cancelled except General Hospital for whatever reason. It is really boring. So, I decided I would watch AMC and OLTL to see how it all ends after 40 years. What do you do?
Since I don't follow closely I just get impressions. So far on AMC, there are two Ericas, Dead Dixie is back. Dead Greenlee is back. Crazy Janet is there somehow. I have seen dead Leo but I can't tell if he is a vision or really undead and Kendall's latest dead husband is back. WOW. If they bring back the ACTORS who actually are dead, I will freak.
On OLTL everyone with multiple personalities is being taken over by all their alters. There are 2 babies born of twin sisters who didn't know they were twins until they were adults. No one knows for sure who is the father of either baby. Dead Todd is back to haunt the second dead Todd. WOW. Dead Tea, or was she just gone? whatever, she's there and she doesn't know which Todd is which and neither does the other ex wife Blair and the bevy of children don't know which dad is dad. They, the Todds, are both killers and at least one of them a rapist but those kids love either one of them. Oh, and he is one of the richest men on the east coast from something. Well one of them is...I don't know.
SO, now what? The networks are planning some great new programs. There is, The Chew, I am not kidding, on ABC. The Today Show will probably be an 8 hour program soon. There are going to be make-over and interior design shows! And Dr. Oz will still talk about poop. Dr. Phil will still be on to be annoying. Other than that I think it is one long commercial. No there must be a Kardashian somewhere and maybe The Real Housewives of Muleshoe.
Then there is Ellen. The funniest woman, tied with Tina Fey, on earth. Thank heaven she will be on. That means, one hour of the now 4 hour Today Show. MUSIC ALL DAY, then Ellen. If Ellen doesn't make you laugh at least once during her show you have a sense of humor problem. Dr. Phil can fix that. Or Dr. Oz can make you poop.
Thanks daytime programming. You have finally bored me to death. Maybe I will finally get all those craft projects done, Martha.
LBB
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