I'll Have Another Beer and A 3X Mirror

This one's for you, Shaneequa!

When I posted "John Travolta Is Fat" my friend commented that I should write a piece about men who don't have mirrors. I thought about it and gave her a call.

"I don't understand", I said, "I've known men who could only be pulled away from their own reflection by a naked woman carrying a platter of freshly grilled meat". She explained her perspective which I must say was brilliant. "No," she said, "you know, men that look like the butt end of a camel who think they need to date Barbie?"  "Oh, now I see. Give some time to contemplate this subject."

And contemplate I did. I blame alcohol for this phenomenon.

I saw a single panel cartoon that was a drawing of a bar with a sign outside, "Happy hour 3-5. Pontificating hour 5-8." read the caption. If you have ever spent several hours in a bar you know truer words were never written. However, I would add "Thinking You're a Stud Hour 8-12", "I Can't See You Anyway, Let's Go To My Place Hour, 12-2".

I have a unique view of bars. I have spent hundreds of hours in bars and yet I don't drink much. Two cocktails and I am witty. Three cocktails and I am spinning. Four cocktails and I am vomiting. Not fun for me or the other patrons in the bar. I spent years singing in bars with a view of  patrons as they went from sober, to tipsy to linking arms and singing "Love the One You're With".  I have seen drunk women slither down the bar on their bellies. I have seen drunk men applaud this behavior and fall down from laughing at the show.

My biggest exposure to bars comes from being an alcoholic target. I have dated and married men who thought if you did not spend several hours in your corner pub every day you are missing out on the true meaning of life. So, yay, I would sit at the bar, have my two drinks and observe the regulars. In one particular local watering hole the "gentlemen" regulars would sit on one side of the bar and comment on every female that walked in. "I'd hit that", said the man whose girth makes it appear as if he has velociraptor arms about a 22 year old Barbie.  "Cankles" said the regular with four teeth on the next stool about Barbie's frirend, Heavier Barbie. "Skanky" said yet a third man with what might have been a moustache but I think it was nose hair, "I don't do fat". They all nod in agreement. "I don't do ugly either less I'm desperate". Oh that's funny. They laughed and laughed.

I saw one of the regulars talking several times with an attractive older woman. They would talk just between themselves and giggle a bit. He would always walk her to her car and then return. I asked him one evening, "Is Mature Barbie your girlfriend?" Swallowing his 27th beer he looked at me horrified. "She's old!", he said emphatically. "Excuse me", I said, "I just thought I picked up some chemistry but maybe my lack of estrogen has my radar off". "I don't date women older than 42". This dude must have been sixty.

My theory is that the distilling process of alcohol creates a chemical that interacts with testosterone and inflates the male ego. After several drinks this interaction causes the male ego to become so huge that the male sees himself as Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Or even Justin Beiber for that matter. This syndrome can only be cured by sobriety and you know that ain't happening.

Here is my proposal. Men should receive a mirror with every third drink. The more he drinks the higher the  magnification of the mirror. Three drinks, 1X, six drinks 2X, nine drinks 3X, etc.  This way, Barbie, when an old geezer is annoying you in a bar you can just pick up his mirror and shame him.

I know what you regulars are thinking, "bitch". No, honey, "Menopause Barbie", don't make me mad.

You're welcome,
Lillybellblues