Dear Network TV,
Did you hear? Prince William got married!
It was a royal wedding indeed. It was also the largest gathering of hats since the last Southern Baptist Convention. I love the pomp and ceremony. I hate the coverage. Does the general public really need to know who made the Dutches of Uppity's dress? Do we care that David Beckham forgot to shave? Do we care that his wife Victoria looked like she smelled something rotten? NO, actually we don't. Next royal wedding could you just begin with broadcast with, "Welcome to the wedding of Prince Harry and that little blonde tramp he dates off and on..." and cut to the members of the wedding party and immediate royal family arriving and let the ceremony begin?
I especially loved that the networks all had British commentators. They make insults sound so regal. "I believe that is the Countess of Cornhole arriving. She is wearing a lovely damask suit topped by what appears to be a flock of starlings crowning her head. Bravo!" "There's Princess Leia, she's sporting a donut on each side of her head. Smashing!".
And I'm sorry, Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie. I believe your mother, Fergie, exacted her revenge on the royal family with those hats on your regal heads. It is the only explanation I can think of.
THE KISS! My goodness. Such a fuss. "We are all waiting for the kiss". "We haven't seen the kiss yet, it should be one of the highlights of today". "The crowd is beginning to chant 'kiss, kiss, kiss", the doors are opening, we should be seeing the kiss any moment..."
It was like waiting for Neil Armstrong to set foot on the moon. "That's one small kiss for TV..."
The beautiful couple kisses and the reporters are counting the seconds. "I think that was a three second kiss, Matt." "Just beautiful, Meredith, really moving...oh wait they are kissing again, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven seconds!"
Imagine this report:
"The crowd is anxiously waiting for the kiss, you can feel excitement!" "The door is open. "He's kissing her. His tongue appears to be exploring the inside of her mouth." "Yes, Matt, I believe that is a french kiss". "We are at 47 seconds and counting." "Meredith, I believe her nipples are reacting, your opinion?" "Could be, then again it is chilly here today". "Wait, Kate is reaching for Williams hand and placing it just underneath the bodice of her gown".
Seriously network TV get a grip. How many hours of coverage in total across all networks? Thousands? Does the term "overkill" ever come up in programming meetings? Stop this foolishness before Superbowl coverage begins the day after training camp ends.
Sincerely,
Lillybellblues
No comments:
Post a Comment