John Travolta Is Fat

No offense to you, Mr. Travolta, but I am sick of having to hear about Kirstie Alley being fat. Maybe I should back up just a little and explain why I am singling out Mr. Travolta.

I am a very fortunate individual. I am a retired 58 year old woman. This luxury is a blessing I count everyday. One of the best things about being retired is getting to run errands any time you want. When I worked my Saturdays were not days off they were the days I had to do everything else. Sundays were simply to recover from the week so Mondays could be dedicated to my employer.

Going to the grocery when it isn't crowded is nirvana. I can run in, grab everything I need, be the only person in line and be home before Willard Scott has had a chance to be annoying on the Today show. (Sorry. Willard Scott, really? still?  Willard, retire! The grocery shopping is fabulous!).

This changed several years ago when I became the caregiver to my parents. Both my parents suffer from dementia and my father has a terminal case of stubborn. Their car keys were the first things I took. My parents were at least safe and wouldn't be out endangering others on the road trying to remember where to turn to get to Buddies. (Buddies has not been in business for 30 years except in my mother's mind).

Thus began my new schedule. Every other day I would drive 50 miles to my parents house to clean, gather laundry, feed them lunch and go to the grocery store. I would arrive at their grocery store with every assisted living van in the area, every visit. This is how I learned about the magazine rack by the cash register. I call it the, "Look which famous woman is fat now!" rack.

Poor Kirstie Alley. She is on every cover. Her walking across the street in baggy everything, dressed in a tent, all dressed up with her girth squeezed into a dress. She isn't the only actress on the covers. I once saw an entire cover consisting of  photos of actresses butts in swimwear. The reader was supposed to match the cellulite covered rear end to the actress! Oh yeah, America, this is just what we need.

In the upper right hand corner of one of covers was a headshot of John Travolta. Taken at a very unflattering angle he appeared to have Jabba the Hut's chins. I chuckled thinking, "finally, new headline, 'JOHN TRAVOLTA IS FAT'". But no, apparently John Travolta has a plan to take over the world using Scientology and Oprah's show.

That's it? No screaming FAT?  Just taking over the world? I decided then and there I was going to start a magazine called "John Travolta is Fat". There  may be some copyright issues but I think it has potential!

Imagine paparazzi chasing actors all over town trying to catch them at the moment their jacket swings open and they look pregnant. "VAL KILMER CARRYING ALIEN BABY?"  A rush of photographers at the beach on Martha's Vineyard hoping to catch a glimpse of Alec Baldwin's man boobs. "IS BALDWIN SPELLED WITH A DOUBLE D (cup)". Oh, yeah, I am gonna to be a publishing magnate.

Down the road, we can have a reality show titled, "Man Fat" on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Aging actors with beer bellies and love handles can work out their relationships with food. "I don't know, Oprah, I can't help but eat the second cow when I'm lonely. I'm just a meatatarian". Tears, Kleenex. Oprah's knowing nod. Jack Nicholson could whine about not being able to date women young enough to be his grand daughter since he started looking like an octo-gnome. "I have to date women in their forties, Oprah, the twenty year olds can't handle the truth".

OK, America, let's smarten up here. We are not going to maintain our superpower status when we crave nothing but someone else's fat, personal problems and dirty laundry. I bet the  grocery checkout lines in China have magazines with headlines like, "HUGE Algebraic Equations Inside".

You're welcome,
Lillybellblues