At this point in my life I felt so alone. Zelda and our friend Lildeb had gone to UT after graduation. Jeff graduated from high school the year after I did. We were still music obsessed. Jeff and I drove to Austin every time we could pool our money for gas. I got the college experience without going to class, in other words, party! A few times I went to Zelda's American History class with her. I was fascinated. This was interesting and they let you talk and THINK! I should have gone to college, dad was right. We also discovered LSD or what passed for LSD in Texas, it isn't like Kid Charlemagne lived next door cranking out pure chemicals. There was always a price to pay when you "crashed" after a fun trip. LSD also turned off my OCD. You try it, take a mind altering drug, sit outside and marvel at the bark on the tree. Figure out the the leaves moving in the wind are actually reactions to wind, the wind itself was invisible. Now count a lot and worry about what time it is. Yes, I loved LSD.
Zelda and Lildeb had met a woman in Austin named Ruby. Ruby became my hero. She was a single mom with a little girl I always thought of as "Beauty". This child never had an awkward moment. She was born beautiful and is beautiful to this day. She was golden and brilliant and Ruby was an awesome mother. She took time to explain life to Beauty, she didn't coddle her but let her explore and learn. She also didn't instill any fear in this child. Beauty was brave, and strong and awesome. I had a friend from high school, Frankie, who had gotten pregnant our senior year. She and the baby's dad, Frank, got married and had the world's most adorable child, Elise. I thought of Elise as a diamond, she sparkled all the time. She still sparkles all the time. Frankie didn't know it but she was living the life I wanted. Married, her own home, going to college, great kid. I wanted that. And Frankie was an incredible mother too. She was amazing with Elise. They played and learned and laughed. I had to get me one of those babies. When I was in the process of divorcing Who? Elise, all of maybe 3 years old, asked me if I was sad because I was getting "revorced". I corrected her and said , "it's 'divorce'", then I spelled it like Tammy Wynette. (Elise, a personal note to you: I was wrong, I WAS getting divorced but later I would get "revorced". You had just created a new word that should actually be in the dictionary. I stand corrected. And you are still brilliant.)
Soon the tattoo on my forehead said, PLEASE LOVE ME, I WANT YOUR BABY.
I still was absorbing music and by now Crosby, Still and Nash were my hero's. Poco, Brewer and Shipley, The Eagles, give me harmony or give me death. I still had my crappy little guitar I had received from my parents and no hope of replacing it with a real guitar, they were expensive. I took my little guitar everywhere. I was meeting new people through Frank. He hadn't gone to our high school and he had a whole set of cool friends. Frankie was a popular girl in high school, she had cool friends too. Lots of these people played guitar and that was like nirvana. There was Frank's best friend Bill who was just wise beyond his years. He didn't play an instrument but he loved music and listening to us "jam". One day at a gathering at Frank and Frankie's Bill started talking about a great pianist he went to high school and college with, his name was Brother. "He's my brother", I said, "I can't believe you know him". "He said he had a sister who played rhythm guitar and had a great voice". "What?", I asked, "Brother said those words about me?" "Yeah, you his only sister?" "yes, I am". WOW, this was big to me. My brother was and is an amazing musician. He used to sit at the piano and read Time magazine while he improvised. Brother is Rachmaninoff and Art Tatum all rolled into one. My confidence grew that day, just a little. Brother knew my name and knew I sang.
I wanted to sing harmony in a group or be Joni Mitchell. Zelda had let me borrow a couple of Joni's albums once. I listened to them and she scared me. This woman, with a voice that could jump an octave in one breath, sang like an angel or devil depending on the song, had some how crawled inside my head, written down all my feelings, dreams, heartaches and pain and made gorgeous music out of my life. I read the liner notes: Words and music by Joni Mitchell, Guitar, Joni Mitchell, Dulcimer, Joni Mitchell, Piano, Joni Mitchell, Cover Art, Joni Mitchell, theory of relativity, Joni Mitchell. This woman set the bar very high. I gave Zelda back the albums. I was not ready to even attempt that. Now I began to think maybe I was ready to give Joni another study.
Bill worked in his family owned business, a print shop, started by his grandfather in 1907. It was still a family business and only family worked there. Somehow I convinced him to give me a job. I had two skills. I could type and answer a phone. Bill took me by the hand and taught me the printing business, he also saved my life. Zelda was back, I had a job, she had a job and we were going to rent a house together. I was leaving my parents house. THANK GOD.
My first day of work I didn't know a serif from a deckle edge. I was green, green, green. "First I am going to show you how to count paper", said Bill. Count, I can certainly do that. This is not near as easy as it sounds. Paper comes in huge sizes, maybe 36" x 40". You take a stack of paper, fan it out, fold it over itself and count it in groups of 5. This took dexterity and the ability to use the number 5. I counted by sixes.
Meanwhile, Jeff had gotten a job at a record store as the day manager and was living in a rented house with the guy who was the night manager. Jeff and I hung out at his house and played guitar many, many, evenings, I was still at home saving money for rent, deposits and Zelda and I were looking for a house we could afford that was not in the ghetto. One night at Jeff's, we were playing a song and singing with great fervor when the front door opened and in walked roommate. "This is Lillybell, said Jeff, he's Elsie my roommate". Elsie had some blond hottie hanging on him. Elsie looked at me and smiled. I swear a diamond glint sparkled off his teeth. He was amazing looking. I couldn't make words again. He was bronze with the bluest eyes ever created. He had rock god hair and a Fu Manchu with a soul patch. He oozed SEX.. He and Giggler sat with us for a minute then they retired to Elsie's room.
"HOLY CRAP", I said to Jeff. "Who is he? How do I not know him. YUM!". Jeff explained to me in the nicest way that Elsie was way out of my league. There was apparently a parade of women that doted on this god of a man. Rarely did Jeff see him with the same girl twice. "No, Lillybell, please don't go out with him if he asks, he will hurt you I just know it". "You think he would ask me out, really?" "Lillybell, really, no, don't."
A few weeks later I was at Jeff's. He was cooking corned beef and cabbage. "What is that smell?", I asked, "that is some sort of poison, not food right?". We went in his room and played guitar to avoid that smell in the living room. Jeff went into the kitchen to cut up some potatoes and I said, "I'm going to play a song while in you're there, please tell me truth when I'm done." I had been working on Joni's "A Case Of You", only Jeff could hear it. He would love it or tell me "yuck".
I faced the windows, back to the door and I started singing. I got lost in the song, I closed my eyes, I made "the face" when you are becoming the song. I sang from my toes. Hit the high notes, carried the low notes with great timbre. I gave myself chills. I finished and heard a voice behind me, "That was killer, really killer, I am amazed you can sing like that". Yes, it was Elsie. I stopped breathing. "thanks" I said very small. "You wanna go out sometime?" "Yes, I would love that", I replied.
Wait, I know what your thinking. Second husband is Oops not Elsie. Come one, you didn't think this was not going to be convoluted did you?
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