TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS

There are days I feel paralyzed. Today is one of those days. I have spent large portions of my life waiting. Waiting for peace, waiting for contentment, waiting for, "ahh, done and done, everything is perfect". It is with a great deal of disappointment that I realize that moment will never come.

"You are so negative", I hear many of you thinking. I don't see it that way. I am a realist. I am tired of expecting contentment only to find hell. I spent my youth waiting to be an adult. It looked so easy. It seemed the perfect age - all grown up. Make your own decisions, get up when you want, go to bed when you want, work where you want, make some money and do what you want when you want. Never happens. The only people who live like that are imaginary. Or retired rock stars.

There is no such thing as living life for yourself. There is no such thing as getting everything you want. There is only working hard to get close. Then waiting for the rug to be yanked out from under you.

We've all had those moments. Life is good and in a flash it is not. That moment that changes your reality. That moment you always measure by. The moment that makes life drag on forever. One hour of hell is fifty time longer than one hour of fun. Why?

Why does horror grind to painful, slow motion agony and joy is over before you know it? Because life is a bitch. That is the best explanation I can figure. Good news is lightning fast and bad news is slow, echoing disbelief that never ends.

My life seems full of those moments. The very happy ones are fuzzy at best. The horrid are etched like leaded crystal. You have cancer. You cannot ever have children. There is no money. I don't want to be married to you anymore. We found his body. There is no cure. It will be a long, painful journey. Make all the decisions, their lives depend on it.

The last few years have been intensely difficult for my family. My parents decline into dementia turned our lives upside down. Mom is all but gone while dad is still there but no one I recognize as my father. I am consumed by guilt over their condition. No reason to feel guilty but it comes with the territory. There is nothing as helpless as the knowledge that your parents are the living dead. The people that raised you are gone yet people with their bodies live on.

There is no escape. Time to take pleasure in the little things, The sun shining through the autumn leaves. A cardinal at the bird feeder. A song in my head that I love. A laugh. Nothing is more hopeful than a laugh.

It's the holiday season. Friends and family gathering to share their happiness and joy. Thanksgiving is also my mother's 85th birthday. While you are with your kids and grand kids I will be watching someone feed my mom and explaining to my dad why I haven't seen him in a while. "Been dismantling your life, dad. Been deciding what's is important enough to keep and what is just trash. Been trying to figure out how to make your money last so you don't have to live in a horrid place. Been praying for mother to die so she will have her dignity back. Been trying to remember what it was like before you became my children and wondering how much longer we will all be in this hell."

Forgive me in advance if I show little sympathy for how difficult and hectic your holidays are. The grand kids were difficult? That's too bad. Mom was a bitch? That sucks for you. Mother-in-law brought that horrible salad? That does just ruin everything.

Enjoy your holidays. Try and capture the moments of joy and hold them close to your heart. Hug your parents a little harder. Appreciate even the moments of difficulty. I wish I had appreciated the joyous moments in my life more. As it is now all I see is the tunnel, the light isn't even shinning yet.

If you have joy to share, please call me. Make me laugh, it is the best gift.  If you need to whine, I won't be available this year.

LBB