A Letter To Kate Mittleton

A Letter To Kate Mittleton:

Dear Kate,

Congratulations on your pending nuptials.

As a former serial marrier I feel uniquely qualified to offer some advice, some would say warning, about the state of matrimony.

First, they all start out as a prince. Attentive, attractive, funny, charming, (get it? prince charming), and feeling the need the be a princess you of course fall for this ruse. The wedding planning is so exciting and all you can think about is gown, crown, flowers, food, music, carriage, etc. And the day will be all you dreamed about. Here is a hint. Try not to drink too much alcohol because vomiting on your wedding night sounds funny but it sets a bad precedence.

Second, pretty soon your prince isn't so charming. He knows how to do absolutely nothing except hog the TV remote. He will never, never, ever know what he wants to eat. This rule applies except when you have prepared a beautiful meal. He may not know what he wants to eat but he knows it isn't what's on the table. He will also not know where the dishwasher or the trash is. He might be able to find the kitchen counter, if so you are lucky.

Third, sex. It is good now, right? Well remember these days because soon it is rub, rub, push, push, goodnight. Which brings me to the real issue. Snoring. Yes, dear Kate, your prince will snore. At first you find it rhythmic and soothing and you think it is kind of cute. Soon however you begin to feel as if you are sleeping next a mastodon with an adenoid problem. When you gently nudge and tell him he is snoring he will not believe you. In the morning when you show him the paint that peeled off the wall from his snoring he will think you are exaggerating. This situation will eventually make you a bitch.

Fourth, man activities. Yes, hunting and fishing will be a part of your life. You will not have to participate but you will have to hear about it. By the way these are always weekend activities so plan on visiting your family alone. Also, be prepared to ooh and ah over the dead thing he brings home.

Fifth, visiting the in-laws. This is a tough one. Your case is so unique. Although I have had a mother-in-law who thought she was a queen I've not had one with the actual title. I recommend resisting the urge to bring your mom's favorite spinach dip when invited to the palace for dinner. There is something about forks but I assume you know those rules. And, honey, good luck with picking out gifts for the in-laws. What does one give a crowned head of state?

An heir! A boy, of course. And, Kate, lose that baby fat quickly or you will hear about it everyday.

In conclusion, Kate, while this may sound sad on this the day before your wedding, eventually there will be no conversation. You and your spouse will communicate in a series of grunts and gestures, scowls and smirks. And you know what? You will welcome the silence because you will have heard  every anecdote, story, and reference your husband knows and the mere utterance of, "when I was captain of the ____", will send you into a blind rage.

Again, congratulations and best wishes,
Lillybell Miller McReynolds Jackson Baxter Adams