I recently mentioned that life is short. It is. Life is also incredibly unfair. I have spent enough hours in hospitals, Alzheimer's wards, and nursing homes to know that death is incredibly unfair too. If you have been spared the pain of waiting days, weeks, or years for someone whose quality of life is completely gone to die, then I know you are blessed.
I first learned that both life and death are unfair when I was 30 years old. My chosen brother, my friend, Scotty, did not reach his 30th birthday. The ravages of diabetes took him from his family, friends and from me. That sucked. It was not natural. He was young and had so much talent, heart and humanity. I had lost all but one grand parent by then. I loved them. They were old. They died. That made perfect sense. But losing my friend, my very young friend was devastating. If you still have all of your chosen friends, the ones you cherish, I know you are blessed.
As a society we have life and living, death and dying all messed up. Somewhere in time we got societal priorities completely out of balance. I know we need to refocus.
Life should not be our focus. Living should be our focus. There is a difference. Life is about statistics, accomplishments, expectations, milestones. Living is about learning, doing, focusing, creating, sharing, being. We have long judged people by where they live, where they were schooled, how much money they have. We are groomed to want the facades of success so we can be judged. We should judge people by their wisdom, talent, kindness, fairness and compassion. Their capacity to give love, receive love, share bounty and ease burdens. I know living is more important than life.
Death is something we should embrace, not fear. Dying should be as short as possible. Not for those left to grieve but for those who must do the dying. We keep people alive who have no cognitive ability. We give them medications for high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol and heart disease when they can no longer maintain their own most basic needs. We try to avoid death at all costs. Death is coming. It can come in an instant. It can take years. I do not know who will experience death next or who will be the last person on earth. I know not one of us will avoid death.
People keep themselves alive with painful, debilitating poison for as long as possible. They have surgeries and experimental treatments to stay here just a little longer. They postpone the inevitable. I understand this choice. It's best for loved ones. The dying want to be here for those life milestones. However, even if it takes a decade, watching someone die hurts. When they do die there is still pain. All their efforts to live may be worthwhile but it does not take away the unavoidable loss through death. I know death comes whether you are ready or not.
Now I am facing another loss. One of my chosen sisters, my friend is going to die. As I struggle to understand I realize I cannot imagine living without her. Yet I probably will. I will miss her like an addict misses their substance. I want to share more living with her. I need her wisdom, humor, honesty and her love. She is one of my rocks. She doesn't judge yet she doesn't suffer fools. She has every single quality of a chosen sister. She has raised an amazing daughter, shared a marriage with a wonderful man for 30 plus years and makes everyone feel like family. My wish for her family and friends is that we have her forever. My wish for her is that she not suffer and feels how much she is loved. She is cherished by many because her capacity for love is immeasurable. I know her next journey will reflect all the love she has given and received.
Live every day like it is your best friend's last. Try to remove selfishness from all aspects of your living. Try not to judge. Try not to be malicious, hateful or angry. Give of yourself without being taken. Love like it won't hurt. Forgive those who are not perfect. Including yourself.
I know this would make for a better world.
You're welcome,
Lillybellblues
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