Nervous breakdown, I am having one. Actually, I think we have all had one. In reality I have had at least three in my life but this last one has been a beast. I thought I would share so maybe it would be easier to recognize the symptoms in yourselves and others. Here's just a little information from the inside of pain, heartache and disappointment.
Some of you are gasping. "I can't believe she would say that out loud! What are we going to do with her? Intervention?" Nah, I don't need an intervention, I need time, peace and apparently lots of drugs. I don't especially like the drugs but after all the therapy I could come up with on my own I finally said, "doctor time", through tears and screaming. Life's pressures kept building in me and I finally had to burst. It was quite dramatic and I believe for just a moment the doctor was looking for a taser. OK, see THAT line is supposed to be funny.
If you have never had a nervous breakdown or if your life has never collapsed around you, these are things you need to know. 1. You don't always recognize what's happening. 2. Everyone around you does. 3. Therapy is great for people who have a difficult time opening up. 4. Psychiatry is for people who have serious mental disorders not life balance problems. 5. Nervous breakdowns are long term issues not a short series of bursts. 6. I am not going to kill you. 7. I am not going to kill myself. 8. Emotions are difficult to control under some conditions. 9. It isn't you, it is me. 10. You need to shut up.
I am quite aware that I am verbose and say whatever I want whenever I want. Oops. My bad. Sometimes it is because I firmly believe in what I am saying and don't really care if you agree with me or not. It is not an argument, it is merely me expressing my former charming, funny self. I can't always work up a comedy routine on the spot. Other times I am merely having a bad day and didn't go through the mental check list of appropriate behavior before I bit your face off. See, nervous breakdown really means the inability to control your emotions. So, if you hang around me long enough I will bite your head off or cry. It's a given, sorry. Promise I will get better, doing the very best I can right now.
Drama Queen. Yes, sometimes I am one and always have been. Not now. This is been the most difficult four years of my life. I have not had the happiest experiences in my life up to this point. I am old. By this stage of life we've all had crap. My crap has been rather extreme at times, abusive husband, drunken husband, (I can pick 'em). Unexpected, thrilling pregnancy, uterine cancer, all in the same week, Job I loved then hated. Heroin addicted stepson, dying mother in law, death of stepson from an overdose, death of mother in law, finding my parents living in squalor both with dementia and alcoholism. Poor me. Poor everyone.
The day their dog exploded was the last day I could cope. If you have never seen a dog whose intestines have burst you haven't lived. My parents always forgot to give the dog any foods but milk with some cereal and ice cream. The dog loved it. I put signs around the house about what to let the dog eat. I fed the dog real, expensive, fancy dog food. He liked the cereal and ice cream. He burst. Dog shit covered every surface the dog could reach, all the furniture, the walls, the beds, the carpet. After three years I was done.
I do have a sibling, he lives far away and has his own set of incredibly horrible problems. In other words, he can't help much or often with our parents. That leaves everything to me. I live three peoples lives. I make decisions for three people, life altering decisions, financial decisions, what to do with everything my parents own, decisions. It gets to be a huge burden at times. Some days I don't handle it especially well. Some days I can barely climb out of the pit long enough to eat. Sleep is a memory many nights. Running on empty is hard.
I have had good friends call me psycho and mean it. Not in a joking way but in a, "you ain't right because you are psycho", way. I have friends who tell friends who of course tell me how much I need help. I should this read this self help book or go see a therapist. Nah, not my style. Therapists don't help and have no answers. "How did that make you feel?" And, "try these mental exercises...always remember this...never do that....keep a journal, get in touch with your inner child". All band aids in my stubborn opinion. Hurl. How about let me get through this section of my life and if my attitude bugs you get out of my way. That works just fine for me.
For those of you who have not figured it out yet Lillybell Blues is my therapy and much better than a journal. I lay my life open in cyberspace. That brings more clarity and satisfaction to me than anything else I have tried so far. I spill my guts and make you laugh, think, cry or angry. You get to enjoy or hate what I write. That is your choice. And remember no one has to read anything, there will not be a test.
I moved my rants to a group specifically because I heard through the grapevines, if you think they don't exist you haven't learned much in life, that some of you think I have lost it. "Says whatever she wants, always stoned and angry, it's just too much, I don't want her around my real friends, my new friends, she isn't near as helpful as she used to be. It's embarrassing." Oh, I feel so bad. Not really.
You know the old expression, "love me, love my dog"? Well, this is my dog. My life is sucky right now, again. I know that all of you have all the answers because I know how well your lives run. I know that by nature we are all gossipy, caring, judgemental pricks and bitches. I know this because I am one too. I know that I should not be so negative and that everyday is a holiday and every meal a banquet. I know that things could be worse. I know that I am not that fun to be around all the time and, ew, that is a burden for everyone else.
I know that your path is not mine. I know that my path is improvised a lot. I know that when your life is on an up cycle all the world is beautiful and everyone else is just so wrong. When your life if on a down cycle every force in the universe is against you and happy people make you want to vomit. When life is good there are answers everywhere and it is easy to take lemons and make lemonade. When life is bad the lemon just squirts you in the eye. If you are reading this and you think this paragraph was written for you, that's called paranoia. That's what psychiatrists are for, (see, funny again). I am using the Royal "you", so to speak.
Still my favorite expression, "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions". I have learned and know full well that we judge based on the exact moment in time based on more factors than can be calculated. I know that life is sometimes a struggle and sometimes it is all downhill and a lovely coast. I know that friendship is hard and standing by someone when you least want to is difficult. I know that being on the periphery is much different than being in the eye. Second favorite expression, "it isn't an adventure til it's over".
You may not know that nervous breakdowns are also a blessing in disguise. There is such clarity among the chaos. I will come out of this much stronger and better. I will be happier and more at peace with me. I will not struggle with the day to day doubts anymore, that will finally be behind me. Definition is at the end.
Look out world, here I come.
It's been a bumpy flight but the landing will be awesome.
LBB
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