I've had some questions about how to join Lillybell Blues....look to the right. It says "join this site". Click there, follow the instructions provided by Google. Thanks for reading!
Love,
LBB.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
FUNNY ON DEMAND
My friend, Shaneequa, and I have a saying, "be funny". It's not a request so much as a demand. BE FUNNY. We save this demand for road trips usually. By hour three one of us is ready for the other to be hysterically funny so we can laugh so hard we cannot see. No one ever said, "Don't Laugh and Drive".
Somehow we manage. We have laughed at everything and at nothing. There is nothing like laughing with your friend. We laugh at everything appropriate and inappropriate. We laugh at things we said or did once upon a time. "remember when...." and we are already in full guffaw.
When Shaneequa's father died very unexpectedly I went with her to a mall to pick out a dress for her mom to wear to the funeral. Her mom was too upset to shop and Shaneequa needed to get away from the ordeal for a while. Her dad was a healthy man whose heart gave out. He was gone in minutes. It was shocking and awful and surreal. As we walked through the mall she made the comment that her dad had always gone there to walk for his health. I paused, I didn't want to say it....but I did. "Well, that obviously didn't work". We were quiet for a nano second, then we laughed. It was inappropriate but brought that moment of lightness when the weight was so heavy.
One day Shaneequa and I were driving through Dripping Springs and we saw a business sign we have seen dozens of times, "Twin Liquors". We lost it. Twin Lickers, we both knew at the same time. I don't think we said anything for the rest of the drive. One Twin Lickers sent us on a peal of laughter all the way to our destination.
There is something so satisfying about being unable to breathe because you are laughing so hard. It's a gift. The ability to laugh not to make someone laugh. The ability to let it all go and howl because of something incredibly silly.
One afternoon Shaneequa and I had a heart to heart talk about God and being spiritual. We talked about getting older and life having more meaning and death being a bit more real at this stage of life. We were patting ourselves on the back for being such good people in general. Next thing we knew we were being the snarkiest two women on earth. I sang a phrase from an old hymn, "and He walks with me and He talks with me....", (or, "Andy walks with me Andy talks wtih me"). Shaneequa and I lost it. We laughed forever. She reminded me that hymn had been sung at her father's funeral. It would be played at her mother's funeral too. NO, by the time she lost her mom we both knew we would not survive the funeral, sing that hymn and not be admitted to a hospital for the less than normal. Even now we just hum a few bars and hilarity erupts.
My oldest friend, (not that she is old, I have known her the longest), Kallie, and I have phrases from childhood that still make us roll with laughter. They aren't funny unless you were there. "Never in a million french fries" and "let's 'vide 'em", make us giggle to this day. Left over childhood hilarity.
I have known people that never seem to laugh. It's like they have no sense of humor or they simply do not know how to laugh, or snicker, or giggle or even titter. I feel bad for them. I cannot imagine not laughing as much as possible.
I love a good unexpected one liner. They are really little gifts of momentary lightness. I was talking to a friend one day about names. I always hated mine. Something about having the same first name as approximately one third of your generation makes you feel invisible. I began my whine about being named Linda...with a boring middle name too...he didn't miss a beat. "Never a borrower nor a Linda be". I laugh every time I think about that.
Do you remember the first time you thought something was funny? Grown up funny not knock, knock funny? I do. I remember where I was, who said it and how clever I thought it was AND how clever I thought I was because I thought the joke was funny.
What does a whore do on her vacation? Spends her fuckin' money.
I KNOW!
LBB
Somehow we manage. We have laughed at everything and at nothing. There is nothing like laughing with your friend. We laugh at everything appropriate and inappropriate. We laugh at things we said or did once upon a time. "remember when...." and we are already in full guffaw.
When Shaneequa's father died very unexpectedly I went with her to a mall to pick out a dress for her mom to wear to the funeral. Her mom was too upset to shop and Shaneequa needed to get away from the ordeal for a while. Her dad was a healthy man whose heart gave out. He was gone in minutes. It was shocking and awful and surreal. As we walked through the mall she made the comment that her dad had always gone there to walk for his health. I paused, I didn't want to say it....but I did. "Well, that obviously didn't work". We were quiet for a nano second, then we laughed. It was inappropriate but brought that moment of lightness when the weight was so heavy.
One day Shaneequa and I were driving through Dripping Springs and we saw a business sign we have seen dozens of times, "Twin Liquors". We lost it. Twin Lickers, we both knew at the same time. I don't think we said anything for the rest of the drive. One Twin Lickers sent us on a peal of laughter all the way to our destination.
There is something so satisfying about being unable to breathe because you are laughing so hard. It's a gift. The ability to laugh not to make someone laugh. The ability to let it all go and howl because of something incredibly silly.
One afternoon Shaneequa and I had a heart to heart talk about God and being spiritual. We talked about getting older and life having more meaning and death being a bit more real at this stage of life. We were patting ourselves on the back for being such good people in general. Next thing we knew we were being the snarkiest two women on earth. I sang a phrase from an old hymn, "and He walks with me and He talks with me....", (or, "Andy walks with me Andy talks wtih me"). Shaneequa and I lost it. We laughed forever. She reminded me that hymn had been sung at her father's funeral. It would be played at her mother's funeral too. NO, by the time she lost her mom we both knew we would not survive the funeral, sing that hymn and not be admitted to a hospital for the less than normal. Even now we just hum a few bars and hilarity erupts.
My oldest friend, (not that she is old, I have known her the longest), Kallie, and I have phrases from childhood that still make us roll with laughter. They aren't funny unless you were there. "Never in a million french fries" and "let's 'vide 'em", make us giggle to this day. Left over childhood hilarity.
I have known people that never seem to laugh. It's like they have no sense of humor or they simply do not know how to laugh, or snicker, or giggle or even titter. I feel bad for them. I cannot imagine not laughing as much as possible.
I love a good unexpected one liner. They are really little gifts of momentary lightness. I was talking to a friend one day about names. I always hated mine. Something about having the same first name as approximately one third of your generation makes you feel invisible. I began my whine about being named Linda...with a boring middle name too...he didn't miss a beat. "Never a borrower nor a Linda be". I laugh every time I think about that.
Do you remember the first time you thought something was funny? Grown up funny not knock, knock funny? I do. I remember where I was, who said it and how clever I thought it was AND how clever I thought I was because I thought the joke was funny.
What does a whore do on her vacation? Spends her fuckin' money.
I KNOW!
LBB
WHERE DO WE LIVE?
People have asked me to be funny and not angry when I sit here and engage in free form ranting. Sorry, you will disappointed again today. Humor requires a little inspiration. Dismay comes on it's own.
Listening to the Tea Party debates and on the Republican debates I can only assume that this is not America anymore. This is some form of CRAZY LAND formerly known as America. Who the hell are these Tea Party people who cheer death and think if you don't hold private medical insurance you should die? The same people who froth at the mouth about DEATH PANELS and abortion applaud the State of Texas for killing 234 people, some guilty some not so much. They cheered last night at the thought of people being turned away from emergency medical care. THIS IS THE BASE OF THE GOP.....they remind me of Nazis.
My theory, and of course like my father before me I am always correct, these nut jobs are the former members of the John Birch society, The Klan, basic haters because they were raised that way or have WAY TOO MUCH white in them. How on earth did we get here? Are white people still pissed off that people come in different colors? Are people so evil and hateful that letting others die because they can't afford insurance is reason to cheer? This is not America.
We make my head hurt. We are so wrapped up in our tiny, little, meaningless lives we cannot see beyond the edge of ME. When did that happen? Trust me, honey, we are all going to die and the world will carry on without us. There is not one among us so damn important or intelligent that the world will collapse without us. Life, or whatever this is, carries on and we are merely dust.
These people who cling to GOD and GUNS, an odd juxtaposition, are the poster children for division and hate. MONEY, important. PEOPLE, collateral damage. GOD loves hard working, well to do, heterosexual white people. GOD hates every thing and every one else. The worship of self under the pretense of worshipping GOD is one of those no-nos, isn't it? Aren't we supposed to love our fellow man? Do unto others? Imagine what those Tea Party people will be receiving in return.
I watched the audience last night when the cameras were not trained on all the nice hair cuts and Stepford eyes. Where did these people come from? I used to think the idea that aliens walked among us was silly. Now I am not so sure. These people cannot have been raised in a free country by any standard. They are the Party of NO to You cause it's all about ME.
God bless the country formerly known as America.
LBB
Listening to the Tea Party debates and on the Republican debates I can only assume that this is not America anymore. This is some form of CRAZY LAND formerly known as America. Who the hell are these Tea Party people who cheer death and think if you don't hold private medical insurance you should die? The same people who froth at the mouth about DEATH PANELS and abortion applaud the State of Texas for killing 234 people, some guilty some not so much. They cheered last night at the thought of people being turned away from emergency medical care. THIS IS THE BASE OF THE GOP.....they remind me of Nazis.
My theory, and of course like my father before me I am always correct, these nut jobs are the former members of the John Birch society, The Klan, basic haters because they were raised that way or have WAY TOO MUCH white in them. How on earth did we get here? Are white people still pissed off that people come in different colors? Are people so evil and hateful that letting others die because they can't afford insurance is reason to cheer? This is not America.
We make my head hurt. We are so wrapped up in our tiny, little, meaningless lives we cannot see beyond the edge of ME. When did that happen? Trust me, honey, we are all going to die and the world will carry on without us. There is not one among us so damn important or intelligent that the world will collapse without us. Life, or whatever this is, carries on and we are merely dust.
These people who cling to GOD and GUNS, an odd juxtaposition, are the poster children for division and hate. MONEY, important. PEOPLE, collateral damage. GOD loves hard working, well to do, heterosexual white people. GOD hates every thing and every one else. The worship of self under the pretense of worshipping GOD is one of those no-nos, isn't it? Aren't we supposed to love our fellow man? Do unto others? Imagine what those Tea Party people will be receiving in return.
I watched the audience last night when the cameras were not trained on all the nice hair cuts and Stepford eyes. Where did these people come from? I used to think the idea that aliens walked among us was silly. Now I am not so sure. These people cannot have been raised in a free country by any standard. They are the Party of NO to You cause it's all about ME.
God bless the country formerly known as America.
LBB
Saturday, September 10, 2011
TEA PARTIES AND WOMANHOOD
My grandmother Leachman longed for me to be a little lady. My mother had friends who were concerned that we daughters were not going to be proper when we grew up if we didn't engage in several appropriate activities for young ladies. One of the things these women had in common was they thought it necessary to teach girls how to behave at a Tea. How to pour and properly sip. How to eat little pastries served with tea. Polite conversation and Junior League preparedness.
By the time I was actually old enough to go to Teas it was evident I was not going to be a Deb. The parties I attended involved Boones Farm cheap, cheap wine and anything we could roll. AND we didn't really have rules to follow. We appreciated it if no one lipped the joint but we were not emphatic. It was also appreciated when someone wiped off the top of the bottle before passing. Appropriate conversation involved whatever was "far out man" and appropriate dress was being mostly covered.
A lot of change in one generation. Thank heavens I didn't have to do the Teas...I just can't see myself too concerned about Muffi's daffodils or Trudie's little Yorkie. One day a friend and I went on an estate sale crawl through the University Park areas of Dallas. We arrived at one home with several Delta Delta Delta items for sale and things too expensive for me new much less "pre owned". The woman running the sale was on her cell when my friend and I arrived. I swear the conversation from our ended sounded liked this,
"Muffi...faaaabulous news, we got 12 hundred for the tapestry....I KNOW, it IS faaaaabulous....bye sweetie" this was of course followed by an air kiss. I had to leave before I lost my faaaaabulous breakfast.
I walk through Needless Markup, sorry Mr. Marcus, on my way to The Mall where the stores are that I can afford. I see women in Neiman's that leave my mouth open. Where do they get all that money for stuff? I cannot conceive of paying in excess of a thousand dollars for something I will wear, carry as a purse or put on my feet. These woman MUST be wearing, carrying, sporting, in excess of 30 thousand dollars plus, counting some of the jewelry. I would walk with an armed guard. Whoa, Nellie....I gasp when I pause to look at a price tag.
I see women at the Galleria that are like me and those there to shop at Saks. I went into Saks one day. They don't make clothes that fit me. I am not that oddly shaped. I just don't look like a super model. Maybe a slightly pregnant, plus size, foot model. Good grief a size eight in Saks is like a size minus 40 at Kohl's. HUGE area for boobs, no waist and a little butt. Hello? Who shops here? Surgically altered and incredibly blessed women. I was there for the shoe sale. Feet sizes are within a size no matter what. Shoes on sale at Saks are shoes that I would have to think about buying on lay away for a year. On sale for 700 dollars. No, that is my winter wardrobe....for a couple of years. Or maybe all my coats combined. 700 dollars does not go on your feet all at once. That is 350 a foot. On sale. Mercy.
I was driving down Midway one day. I saw the most beautiful blue Chrysler. I had never seen a car that color before. It was actually Midnight Blue with a deep luster I couldn't believe was on a car. Oops, it was a Bentley. A very young woman was driving said Bentley. Her car costs more than my house. I have a nice house. Her car costs more than my house, car and my husband's truck. We have nice vehicles.
I saw a tiny woman at Macy's one day. A regular Macy's. She must have been lost or was slumming. She couldn't have been five feet tall. She had beautifully sculpted breasts that must have cost an arm and a leg. She did look a bit like she might tip forward. Not from the breasts, from the diamond. Unholy cow, I can't guess the number of carats. It must have been ten. She had teeny tiny hands and a diamond that would look good in a royal crown. She couldn't possibly have been comfortable in something that huge. It would be like gluing a giant gumball on your hand and trying to function without whacking it on everything. More like a burden than a bauble.
All these women look like they are frozen in time. No hair out of place. Never any tell tell roots that prove honey blond is not natural. Clothes fit perfectly. Mani/pedi...perfect. Matchy shoes and purse or not depending on the style. If they tucked in a blouse, it never moves. Always perfectly tucked....that is impossible. These women know something I don't.
It occurred to me maybe all these women went to Teas and learned to be proper. Maybe that is actually what makes one successful. Or at least rich. Or at least driven to look like a magazine cover. I get up, put on make up, flat iron my hair, get dressed and in 5 minutes I look like I went through a rain storm, got fuzzy haired, smeary make up and wrinkled clothes. I never tuck in anything, that is an exercise in futility. Once I sit down nothing is tucked anywhere. I will never be appropriate.
You thought I was going to rant didn't you?
No, that is, "Tea Party 2, Where have all the ism's gone?"
LBB
By the time I was actually old enough to go to Teas it was evident I was not going to be a Deb. The parties I attended involved Boones Farm cheap, cheap wine and anything we could roll. AND we didn't really have rules to follow. We appreciated it if no one lipped the joint but we were not emphatic. It was also appreciated when someone wiped off the top of the bottle before passing. Appropriate conversation involved whatever was "far out man" and appropriate dress was being mostly covered.
A lot of change in one generation. Thank heavens I didn't have to do the Teas...I just can't see myself too concerned about Muffi's daffodils or Trudie's little Yorkie. One day a friend and I went on an estate sale crawl through the University Park areas of Dallas. We arrived at one home with several Delta Delta Delta items for sale and things too expensive for me new much less "pre owned". The woman running the sale was on her cell when my friend and I arrived. I swear the conversation from our ended sounded liked this,
"Muffi...faaaabulous news, we got 12 hundred for the tapestry....I KNOW, it IS faaaaabulous....bye sweetie" this was of course followed by an air kiss. I had to leave before I lost my faaaaabulous breakfast.
I walk through Needless Markup, sorry Mr. Marcus, on my way to The Mall where the stores are that I can afford. I see women in Neiman's that leave my mouth open. Where do they get all that money for stuff? I cannot conceive of paying in excess of a thousand dollars for something I will wear, carry as a purse or put on my feet. These woman MUST be wearing, carrying, sporting, in excess of 30 thousand dollars plus, counting some of the jewelry. I would walk with an armed guard. Whoa, Nellie....I gasp when I pause to look at a price tag.
I see women at the Galleria that are like me and those there to shop at Saks. I went into Saks one day. They don't make clothes that fit me. I am not that oddly shaped. I just don't look like a super model. Maybe a slightly pregnant, plus size, foot model. Good grief a size eight in Saks is like a size minus 40 at Kohl's. HUGE area for boobs, no waist and a little butt. Hello? Who shops here? Surgically altered and incredibly blessed women. I was there for the shoe sale. Feet sizes are within a size no matter what. Shoes on sale at Saks are shoes that I would have to think about buying on lay away for a year. On sale for 700 dollars. No, that is my winter wardrobe....for a couple of years. Or maybe all my coats combined. 700 dollars does not go on your feet all at once. That is 350 a foot. On sale. Mercy.
I was driving down Midway one day. I saw the most beautiful blue Chrysler. I had never seen a car that color before. It was actually Midnight Blue with a deep luster I couldn't believe was on a car. Oops, it was a Bentley. A very young woman was driving said Bentley. Her car costs more than my house. I have a nice house. Her car costs more than my house, car and my husband's truck. We have nice vehicles.
I saw a tiny woman at Macy's one day. A regular Macy's. She must have been lost or was slumming. She couldn't have been five feet tall. She had beautifully sculpted breasts that must have cost an arm and a leg. She did look a bit like she might tip forward. Not from the breasts, from the diamond. Unholy cow, I can't guess the number of carats. It must have been ten. She had teeny tiny hands and a diamond that would look good in a royal crown. She couldn't possibly have been comfortable in something that huge. It would be like gluing a giant gumball on your hand and trying to function without whacking it on everything. More like a burden than a bauble.
All these women look like they are frozen in time. No hair out of place. Never any tell tell roots that prove honey blond is not natural. Clothes fit perfectly. Mani/pedi...perfect. Matchy shoes and purse or not depending on the style. If they tucked in a blouse, it never moves. Always perfectly tucked....that is impossible. These women know something I don't.
It occurred to me maybe all these women went to Teas and learned to be proper. Maybe that is actually what makes one successful. Or at least rich. Or at least driven to look like a magazine cover. I get up, put on make up, flat iron my hair, get dressed and in 5 minutes I look like I went through a rain storm, got fuzzy haired, smeary make up and wrinkled clothes. I never tuck in anything, that is an exercise in futility. Once I sit down nothing is tucked anywhere. I will never be appropriate.
You thought I was going to rant didn't you?
No, that is, "Tea Party 2, Where have all the ism's gone?"
LBB
Thursday, September 8, 2011
TOO MUCH OF NOTHING, How Did We Get Here?
Mr. Bob Dylan wrote a song in the 1960s titled Too Much of Nothing that Peter, Paul and Mary took and made it beautiful. I love you, Bob, but you don't always do the best version of your own songs. The song is about oppression and how it leads to revolution. That is how I read the song.
I didn't watch the "debate" last night as I hate to vomit and that format is called a dog and pony show, debate has nothing to do with it. Semantics, I know. This morning I listened to the sound bites and heard nothing I didn't expect. I will watch the actual candidates debate when we finally get there. It's a long way away folks. I hate the elongated campaign process. Way too much, way. The media just sucks up every little drop of information and politicians like nothing more than national recognition.
Please, everyone stop everything right now. We are in reverse and going fast, blindfolded. It will be ugly. In case you have not guessed, I am an "I told you so" junkie to a degree. Not snotty, just to let you know that I know that you know. I make friends every where I go.
This is not about the GOP this is not about the DEMs this is about us. You and me. America, what on earth happened here? I am completely baffled and stunned. Our national values suck to the point that Dyson is jealous. People applauded the death of 234 criminals. Some of them iffy as to their guilt.
At this point in the debate I went on line with a FB friend who was defending Obama to some right wing tea party nut jobs. All of this has to stop, the discourse is horrible. MERCY, we are one nation are we not? One of the tea baggers had a profile picture of himself firing some automatic weapon and his fav sport, NASCAR. Sorry to be so stereotypical, but, oh yeah. I wanted to ask him if he had teeth. Sorry, mean...but so good at it.
"Liar, Obummer, Obamacare, BLACK president, BLACK friends, TERRORIST friends, Ungodly, MUSLIM". Unholy cow, Fox News is poisoning this entire red freaking nation. The "F" word is reserved for anyone who is in favor of people not money and corporations. "Stupid", wow, who knew they were so articulate.?
Never suggest that W couldn't get out of a box with directions and a box cutter, that makes them angry. I am saving it for later. :)
Things like deregulation helps the economy and that "trickle down" works is their mantra. HEY, wake up....Corporations are GREEDY. It's their job to be greedy. Their investors matter, their employees not at all. Expendable. Everyone is now expendable. Think not? Just wait til someone in India or China can do your job. Your tune will change IF you have a brain. I know long term unemployed Replicans, (new word meaning, "cold blooded by nature"), who still buy the, "GOP is gonna save the world", line. NO, they aren't. They are going to save their class, the rich, and leave the rest of us in the dust...literally.
We live in a country where if you want to purchase a home you must have it insured. If you want to drive a car, you must have insurance on the vehicle. If you get sick, tough shit. Hello? Priorities. The corporations and interests groups run the country with money. They get more money by electing who they want and then call in favors. Illness is costly and one bad medical issue can wipe you out even if you have coverage. Property counts, people no. That is not America. That isn't even close. The government only gives a damn about commerce. RUN THAT. And try not to run it in the ground any longer. Stay out of everything else.
We don't have a KING we have a corrupt government system and we sit on our ass.
What happened, Boomers? Where is that fire and passion that we had when "HELL NO WE WON'T GO" was common in the streets? We are the largest generation in this nation. Where is reason? Where is empathy? Where is civility? How the "F" did we become this? Mean, spiteful, narrow minded? US, the "live and let live", generation how did we get so narrow?
I am just about done. I don't mean ranting, I mean being a good citizen. My government sucks, why should I pay for that? I would fire them all if they were my employees. Why should I continue to pay and pay and pay only to be told that what I want and think matters not at all.
Get off your butts fellow Boomers for whatever you want and believe....THINK stop being sheep. We were never sheep as a generation. We were Pathfinders and Experimenters and Thinkers...druggies too, but we wouldn't settle for the status quo. I don't want it now either.
Too much of nothing makes a man abuse a King. Revolution from oppression. It is coming. People don't like being down forever....look out, I see riots in the streets. The unemployed, the hungry, the disenfranchised. We Americans as a rule don't like being under a thumb. We display the middle finger at that point.
You're Welcome,
LBB
I didn't watch the "debate" last night as I hate to vomit and that format is called a dog and pony show, debate has nothing to do with it. Semantics, I know. This morning I listened to the sound bites and heard nothing I didn't expect. I will watch the actual candidates debate when we finally get there. It's a long way away folks. I hate the elongated campaign process. Way too much, way. The media just sucks up every little drop of information and politicians like nothing more than national recognition.
Please, everyone stop everything right now. We are in reverse and going fast, blindfolded. It will be ugly. In case you have not guessed, I am an "I told you so" junkie to a degree. Not snotty, just to let you know that I know that you know. I make friends every where I go.
This is not about the GOP this is not about the DEMs this is about us. You and me. America, what on earth happened here? I am completely baffled and stunned. Our national values suck to the point that Dyson is jealous. People applauded the death of 234 criminals. Some of them iffy as to their guilt.
At this point in the debate I went on line with a FB friend who was defending Obama to some right wing tea party nut jobs. All of this has to stop, the discourse is horrible. MERCY, we are one nation are we not? One of the tea baggers had a profile picture of himself firing some automatic weapon and his fav sport, NASCAR. Sorry to be so stereotypical, but, oh yeah. I wanted to ask him if he had teeth. Sorry, mean...but so good at it.
"Liar, Obummer, Obamacare, BLACK president, BLACK friends, TERRORIST friends, Ungodly, MUSLIM". Unholy cow, Fox News is poisoning this entire red freaking nation. The "F" word is reserved for anyone who is in favor of people not money and corporations. "Stupid", wow, who knew they were so articulate.?
Never suggest that W couldn't get out of a box with directions and a box cutter, that makes them angry. I am saving it for later. :)
Things like deregulation helps the economy and that "trickle down" works is their mantra. HEY, wake up....Corporations are GREEDY. It's their job to be greedy. Their investors matter, their employees not at all. Expendable. Everyone is now expendable. Think not? Just wait til someone in India or China can do your job. Your tune will change IF you have a brain. I know long term unemployed Replicans, (new word meaning, "cold blooded by nature"), who still buy the, "GOP is gonna save the world", line. NO, they aren't. They are going to save their class, the rich, and leave the rest of us in the dust...literally.
We live in a country where if you want to purchase a home you must have it insured. If you want to drive a car, you must have insurance on the vehicle. If you get sick, tough shit. Hello? Priorities. The corporations and interests groups run the country with money. They get more money by electing who they want and then call in favors. Illness is costly and one bad medical issue can wipe you out even if you have coverage. Property counts, people no. That is not America. That isn't even close. The government only gives a damn about commerce. RUN THAT. And try not to run it in the ground any longer. Stay out of everything else.
We don't have a KING we have a corrupt government system and we sit on our ass.
What happened, Boomers? Where is that fire and passion that we had when "HELL NO WE WON'T GO" was common in the streets? We are the largest generation in this nation. Where is reason? Where is empathy? Where is civility? How the "F" did we become this? Mean, spiteful, narrow minded? US, the "live and let live", generation how did we get so narrow?
I am just about done. I don't mean ranting, I mean being a good citizen. My government sucks, why should I pay for that? I would fire them all if they were my employees. Why should I continue to pay and pay and pay only to be told that what I want and think matters not at all.
Get off your butts fellow Boomers for whatever you want and believe....THINK stop being sheep. We were never sheep as a generation. We were Pathfinders and Experimenters and Thinkers...druggies too, but we wouldn't settle for the status quo. I don't want it now either.
Too much of nothing makes a man abuse a King. Revolution from oppression. It is coming. People don't like being down forever....look out, I see riots in the streets. The unemployed, the hungry, the disenfranchised. We Americans as a rule don't like being under a thumb. We display the middle finger at that point.
You're Welcome,
LBB
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
9/11, MY DAY and WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE, (this is NOT funny)
September 11, 2001 is one of those days that is common in the memories of people who experienced the horror. Those of us old enough to remember when Kennedy was assassinated, when John Lennon was murdered, 9/11, shared memories of the nation and the world. Frozen seconds that will always be sharp in our collective memory.
I was here at home. My husband's company was making a huge announcement that day. The kind of announcement that makes the national news. He was in California to handle the west coast announcement and then immediately board a plane for Hawaii. This was corporate hush, hush big voodoo. We, even spouses, were all under orders to NOT say anything to anyone. Cone of silence sort of behavior. There was no chance he would make it to Hawaii before the Corporate grapevine and the news reached employees there so he was not looking forward to potential mob rule when he got to his Honolulu office. Not to mention a flight to Hawaii is almost as much fun as a long root canal while you need to pee.
Sitting here watching The Today Show with Katie, Bryant and Matt I was waiting for the news portion at the half hour to hear about the GE/Xerox partnership and watch the stocks as the news hit wall street. Suddenly Matt was talking about a plane hitting the World Trade Center and was talking to a woman by phone who lived near the site. She advised him it was just a small plane but there was so much smoke. I knew immediately that a small plane would have bounced off the WTC, if there was a lot of smoke, that's jet fuel. They finally got the helicopter shot and then BOOM, the second jet hit the second tower.
I started trying to call my husband. He was in the closed door, no cell phones on, top secret meeting. The towers were both billowing black smoke and helicopters were capturing pictures of the trapped people. NBC switched to their correspondent at the Pentagon. This was obviously a planned a vicious attack. Jim "Mick" Miklashevski was communicating with the studio via phone. He was explaining all the activity in the Pentagon when he said, "I don't want to cause panic but I just heard a loud explosion here and there is..." lost connection.
"WAR", was all I could think. Oh God, we are at war. The days of living as a free society for our generation, over. Time for us to step up and get ready to defend our homeland. I was ready, get a gun and start looking for the perpetrators and kill those bastards. Those poor people in New York! How will they survive? How will the even get out of the city? Then I started worrying about people around the nation with family in the city having no idea how their loved ones are. Then I went, SHIT, my brother works THERE in Manhattan. Holy Crap, (he lives in Connecticut but worked in the financial district). I had no idea if he was close to the WTC. Financial District sounds, you know, close to where the WTC would be.
I kept calling the husband and now the parents. I wanted to know if they were aware of the fact that we were at war and if they had brother's phone number at work. They knew nothing, they were reading the paper. I told them to turn on the television, go to the store and get anything they might need for several days and try to reach brother at work. I called my sister-in-law. She was getting ready to ride at the barn. Is brother OK, do you know? What about the kids? I asked thinking everyone in the world must know by now. She didn't know a thing. Call him, I said. Call me back the WTC and The Pentagon have been hit with planes, we are at war.
Finally reached my husband after the meeting. I told him, don't go to the airport, no point. DO NOT return your rental car, you may never get home. You will have to drive here. Start now. WHAT? he said, I heard something about a bomb in New York. NO PLANES......they are flying planes into buildings. Get on the road NOW. Who is flying planes..what? CRAZY NUT JOBS, get in your car....start driving.
And then.....the horror, the awful unbelievable hatred of people to destroy innocents. The gall to come here, TO LIVE HERE and then destroy lives and the confidence of a nation. NOT FOR LONG. America doesn't take kindly to war. We suspend habeas corpus, we round people up who look like the enemy. Now I get the entire, terrible, disgusting, internment of Japanese Americans in WWII. I understand the paranoia. How disgusting and necessary to make the vast majority of people feel safer. War is not fair. War is mean. War has different rules. Yeah, America is going to look different for a while and then we will return to our beloved freedom.
I waited for the news that all borders and ports would be closed. We would be trapped in the nation for a while and people would be stopped from entering. It would take a while but we would find out who is here and why and where they came from and remove or imprison those we found suspicious. Sucks for them. We would have to conserve everything. We would all have to work together as a nation for a while. Victory gardens and rationing. That's war. The citizens sacrifice too. These tough times make a nation strong. They remind people about our responsibility to preserve what others before us died to create and maintain.
American interests overseas would be seriously considered. Commerce would halt for a bit. World War. You don't attack America and expect us to be generous anywhere. We help allies and starve the enemy. Oh yeah, this is like a real war, not a conflict. Here we go.....
No, we didn't. We had some rallies and talked about how we were gonna get the bad guys and send them somewhere to be tortued. Can't stop commerce! Hell no. Politically incorrect to round up those who look like the enemy. WHAT? WAR people....this is war. We have been attacked Pearl Harbor style. LET'S STOP THIS NOW!
No, we will look for Bin Laden. We have playing cards with pictures and names of bad guys. WHAT? We will make all of America pay. We will strip search people at the airport. We will put cameras everywhere so we will know what happened after the fact. Citizens will be searched and screened at public venues. EXCUSE ME? This is America, remember? We kick the enemies ass when they attack us. HELLO? So we are all guilty until proven innocent to see a concert? The symphony? The State Fair? No, not in my America. We get tough on those unfortunate enough to look like the people who killed us. Totally unfair, but hey, war is simply different.
Then we started a war in a country with imaginary WMDs and had nothing to do with 9/11 at all. WHAT?Have we lost all sense of reason? Is this some dream or nightmare where we do something incredibly stupid again? The theory was that all the bad guys who want to kill us would go to Iraq to engage us. No, of course they won't. They want to kill us HERE and abroad where we have interests and/or other infidels live. I didn't go to West Point and I know this is the most ignorant strategy on earth. Patton must have been slapping everyone he could get his hands on. NO, off to war we went under the quise of a pre-emptive defensive strike. Shock and awe. I had it. WHAT? What is the objective? We are creating war to what end? No end of course....we went in like the yahoo cowboy in the white house, not a freaking clue.
We are marking the 10th anniversary in a few days. We aren't celebrating a victory, we are pouring over the sadness. We are all still guilty until proven innocent in our own country because we seek entertainment or entrance into a government building. What are our leaders doing? Trying to figure out how to continue to be in power. It's all they ever care about. We can't celebrate the end of anything because we can't stop it now. Big Brother is here and we might as well get used to it. Your phone can be tapped, your house can be invaded for cause. You can be felt up at the airport because you flinched or sneezed or look nervous. Gramma ain't gonna blow up that plane.
Me, I would rather die in service to freedom. Let me get on a plane and take my chances. Put an air marshall on board every plane, search all the freakin' luggage, allow us no carry ons, whatever, don't treat me like I am getting ready to have my Miranda rights read to me so I can go on vacation. I would rather enter a building for a fun evening without opening my purse and being wanded to make sure I don't beep. The other Eagles or McCartney fans aren't going to blow me up. If I'm wrong, oh well. Shit happens.
Soon, since crazy and the second amendment go hand in hand in some instances, we won't be able to enter restaurants and stores without being wanded. Ask the people at Luby's or IHOP or many work places and even an Amish school. Crazy is everywhere. If someone really wants to make a statement and kill others, and then themselves of course because chicken and crazy go together too, no amount of screening and searching and recording is going to stop that.
I want my country back. I want to ensure that we aren't letting people live here to get an education or job or opportunity because they want to and can afford it. Sorry, if you are from a nation that harbors or produces or breeds terrorism your chances of getting in America are limited. If you don't like it, change your country. Change your religion. Speak out against the crazies in Islam, don't stand back and be silent. It is a religion full of love and peace and understanding. What the fringe does should make you cringe. Much like the "Christian" believers who make themselves the center of their own religion. We kill them. Enter their compounds, take their "children" and incarcerate the always old geezer who needs virgin brides.
We should be celebrating victory over the insanity of those who hate us. We are instead still at the memorial service. Time for the wake.
LBB
I was here at home. My husband's company was making a huge announcement that day. The kind of announcement that makes the national news. He was in California to handle the west coast announcement and then immediately board a plane for Hawaii. This was corporate hush, hush big voodoo. We, even spouses, were all under orders to NOT say anything to anyone. Cone of silence sort of behavior. There was no chance he would make it to Hawaii before the Corporate grapevine and the news reached employees there so he was not looking forward to potential mob rule when he got to his Honolulu office. Not to mention a flight to Hawaii is almost as much fun as a long root canal while you need to pee.
Sitting here watching The Today Show with Katie, Bryant and Matt I was waiting for the news portion at the half hour to hear about the GE/Xerox partnership and watch the stocks as the news hit wall street. Suddenly Matt was talking about a plane hitting the World Trade Center and was talking to a woman by phone who lived near the site. She advised him it was just a small plane but there was so much smoke. I knew immediately that a small plane would have bounced off the WTC, if there was a lot of smoke, that's jet fuel. They finally got the helicopter shot and then BOOM, the second jet hit the second tower.
I started trying to call my husband. He was in the closed door, no cell phones on, top secret meeting. The towers were both billowing black smoke and helicopters were capturing pictures of the trapped people. NBC switched to their correspondent at the Pentagon. This was obviously a planned a vicious attack. Jim "Mick" Miklashevski was communicating with the studio via phone. He was explaining all the activity in the Pentagon when he said, "I don't want to cause panic but I just heard a loud explosion here and there is..." lost connection.
"WAR", was all I could think. Oh God, we are at war. The days of living as a free society for our generation, over. Time for us to step up and get ready to defend our homeland. I was ready, get a gun and start looking for the perpetrators and kill those bastards. Those poor people in New York! How will they survive? How will the even get out of the city? Then I started worrying about people around the nation with family in the city having no idea how their loved ones are. Then I went, SHIT, my brother works THERE in Manhattan. Holy Crap, (he lives in Connecticut but worked in the financial district). I had no idea if he was close to the WTC. Financial District sounds, you know, close to where the WTC would be.
I kept calling the husband and now the parents. I wanted to know if they were aware of the fact that we were at war and if they had brother's phone number at work. They knew nothing, they were reading the paper. I told them to turn on the television, go to the store and get anything they might need for several days and try to reach brother at work. I called my sister-in-law. She was getting ready to ride at the barn. Is brother OK, do you know? What about the kids? I asked thinking everyone in the world must know by now. She didn't know a thing. Call him, I said. Call me back the WTC and The Pentagon have been hit with planes, we are at war.
Finally reached my husband after the meeting. I told him, don't go to the airport, no point. DO NOT return your rental car, you may never get home. You will have to drive here. Start now. WHAT? he said, I heard something about a bomb in New York. NO PLANES......they are flying planes into buildings. Get on the road NOW. Who is flying planes..what? CRAZY NUT JOBS, get in your car....start driving.
And then.....the horror, the awful unbelievable hatred of people to destroy innocents. The gall to come here, TO LIVE HERE and then destroy lives and the confidence of a nation. NOT FOR LONG. America doesn't take kindly to war. We suspend habeas corpus, we round people up who look like the enemy. Now I get the entire, terrible, disgusting, internment of Japanese Americans in WWII. I understand the paranoia. How disgusting and necessary to make the vast majority of people feel safer. War is not fair. War is mean. War has different rules. Yeah, America is going to look different for a while and then we will return to our beloved freedom.
I waited for the news that all borders and ports would be closed. We would be trapped in the nation for a while and people would be stopped from entering. It would take a while but we would find out who is here and why and where they came from and remove or imprison those we found suspicious. Sucks for them. We would have to conserve everything. We would all have to work together as a nation for a while. Victory gardens and rationing. That's war. The citizens sacrifice too. These tough times make a nation strong. They remind people about our responsibility to preserve what others before us died to create and maintain.
American interests overseas would be seriously considered. Commerce would halt for a bit. World War. You don't attack America and expect us to be generous anywhere. We help allies and starve the enemy. Oh yeah, this is like a real war, not a conflict. Here we go.....
No, we didn't. We had some rallies and talked about how we were gonna get the bad guys and send them somewhere to be tortued. Can't stop commerce! Hell no. Politically incorrect to round up those who look like the enemy. WHAT? WAR people....this is war. We have been attacked Pearl Harbor style. LET'S STOP THIS NOW!
No, we will look for Bin Laden. We have playing cards with pictures and names of bad guys. WHAT? We will make all of America pay. We will strip search people at the airport. We will put cameras everywhere so we will know what happened after the fact. Citizens will be searched and screened at public venues. EXCUSE ME? This is America, remember? We kick the enemies ass when they attack us. HELLO? So we are all guilty until proven innocent to see a concert? The symphony? The State Fair? No, not in my America. We get tough on those unfortunate enough to look like the people who killed us. Totally unfair, but hey, war is simply different.
Then we started a war in a country with imaginary WMDs and had nothing to do with 9/11 at all. WHAT?Have we lost all sense of reason? Is this some dream or nightmare where we do something incredibly stupid again? The theory was that all the bad guys who want to kill us would go to Iraq to engage us. No, of course they won't. They want to kill us HERE and abroad where we have interests and/or other infidels live. I didn't go to West Point and I know this is the most ignorant strategy on earth. Patton must have been slapping everyone he could get his hands on. NO, off to war we went under the quise of a pre-emptive defensive strike. Shock and awe. I had it. WHAT? What is the objective? We are creating war to what end? No end of course....we went in like the yahoo cowboy in the white house, not a freaking clue.
We are marking the 10th anniversary in a few days. We aren't celebrating a victory, we are pouring over the sadness. We are all still guilty until proven innocent in our own country because we seek entertainment or entrance into a government building. What are our leaders doing? Trying to figure out how to continue to be in power. It's all they ever care about. We can't celebrate the end of anything because we can't stop it now. Big Brother is here and we might as well get used to it. Your phone can be tapped, your house can be invaded for cause. You can be felt up at the airport because you flinched or sneezed or look nervous. Gramma ain't gonna blow up that plane.
Me, I would rather die in service to freedom. Let me get on a plane and take my chances. Put an air marshall on board every plane, search all the freakin' luggage, allow us no carry ons, whatever, don't treat me like I am getting ready to have my Miranda rights read to me so I can go on vacation. I would rather enter a building for a fun evening without opening my purse and being wanded to make sure I don't beep. The other Eagles or McCartney fans aren't going to blow me up. If I'm wrong, oh well. Shit happens.
Soon, since crazy and the second amendment go hand in hand in some instances, we won't be able to enter restaurants and stores without being wanded. Ask the people at Luby's or IHOP or many work places and even an Amish school. Crazy is everywhere. If someone really wants to make a statement and kill others, and then themselves of course because chicken and crazy go together too, no amount of screening and searching and recording is going to stop that.
I want my country back. I want to ensure that we aren't letting people live here to get an education or job or opportunity because they want to and can afford it. Sorry, if you are from a nation that harbors or produces or breeds terrorism your chances of getting in America are limited. If you don't like it, change your country. Change your religion. Speak out against the crazies in Islam, don't stand back and be silent. It is a religion full of love and peace and understanding. What the fringe does should make you cringe. Much like the "Christian" believers who make themselves the center of their own religion. We kill them. Enter their compounds, take their "children" and incarcerate the always old geezer who needs virgin brides.
We should be celebrating victory over the insanity of those who hate us. We are instead still at the memorial service. Time for the wake.
LBB
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A WORD ABOUT NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS
Nervous breakdown, I am having one. Actually, I think we have all had one. In reality I have had at least three in my life but this last one has been a beast. I thought I would share so maybe it would be easier to recognize the symptoms in yourselves and others. Here's just a little information from the inside of pain, heartache and disappointment.
Some of you are gasping. "I can't believe she would say that out loud! What are we going to do with her? Intervention?" Nah, I don't need an intervention, I need time, peace and apparently lots of drugs. I don't especially like the drugs but after all the therapy I could come up with on my own I finally said, "doctor time", through tears and screaming. Life's pressures kept building in me and I finally had to burst. It was quite dramatic and I believe for just a moment the doctor was looking for a taser. OK, see THAT line is supposed to be funny.
If you have never had a nervous breakdown or if your life has never collapsed around you, these are things you need to know. 1. You don't always recognize what's happening. 2. Everyone around you does. 3. Therapy is great for people who have a difficult time opening up. 4. Psychiatry is for people who have serious mental disorders not life balance problems. 5. Nervous breakdowns are long term issues not a short series of bursts. 6. I am not going to kill you. 7. I am not going to kill myself. 8. Emotions are difficult to control under some conditions. 9. It isn't you, it is me. 10. You need to shut up.
I am quite aware that I am verbose and say whatever I want whenever I want. Oops. My bad. Sometimes it is because I firmly believe in what I am saying and don't really care if you agree with me or not. It is not an argument, it is merely me expressing my former charming, funny self. I can't always work up a comedy routine on the spot. Other times I am merely having a bad day and didn't go through the mental check list of appropriate behavior before I bit your face off. See, nervous breakdown really means the inability to control your emotions. So, if you hang around me long enough I will bite your head off or cry. It's a given, sorry. Promise I will get better, doing the very best I can right now.
Drama Queen. Yes, sometimes I am one and always have been. Not now. This is been the most difficult four years of my life. I have not had the happiest experiences in my life up to this point. I am old. By this stage of life we've all had crap. My crap has been rather extreme at times, abusive husband, drunken husband, (I can pick 'em). Unexpected, thrilling pregnancy, uterine cancer, all in the same week, Job I loved then hated. Heroin addicted stepson, dying mother in law, death of stepson from an overdose, death of mother in law, finding my parents living in squalor both with dementia and alcoholism. Poor me. Poor everyone.
The day their dog exploded was the last day I could cope. If you have never seen a dog whose intestines have burst you haven't lived. My parents always forgot to give the dog any foods but milk with some cereal and ice cream. The dog loved it. I put signs around the house about what to let the dog eat. I fed the dog real, expensive, fancy dog food. He liked the cereal and ice cream. He burst. Dog shit covered every surface the dog could reach, all the furniture, the walls, the beds, the carpet. After three years I was done.
I do have a sibling, he lives far away and has his own set of incredibly horrible problems. In other words, he can't help much or often with our parents. That leaves everything to me. I live three peoples lives. I make decisions for three people, life altering decisions, financial decisions, what to do with everything my parents own, decisions. It gets to be a huge burden at times. Some days I don't handle it especially well. Some days I can barely climb out of the pit long enough to eat. Sleep is a memory many nights. Running on empty is hard.
I have had good friends call me psycho and mean it. Not in a joking way but in a, "you ain't right because you are psycho", way. I have friends who tell friends who of course tell me how much I need help. I should this read this self help book or go see a therapist. Nah, not my style. Therapists don't help and have no answers. "How did that make you feel?" And, "try these mental exercises...always remember this...never do that....keep a journal, get in touch with your inner child". All band aids in my stubborn opinion. Hurl. How about let me get through this section of my life and if my attitude bugs you get out of my way. That works just fine for me.
For those of you who have not figured it out yet Lillybell Blues is my therapy and much better than a journal. I lay my life open in cyberspace. That brings more clarity and satisfaction to me than anything else I have tried so far. I spill my guts and make you laugh, think, cry or angry. You get to enjoy or hate what I write. That is your choice. And remember no one has to read anything, there will not be a test.
I moved my rants to a group specifically because I heard through the grapevines, if you think they don't exist you haven't learned much in life, that some of you think I have lost it. "Says whatever she wants, always stoned and angry, it's just too much, I don't want her around my real friends, my new friends, she isn't near as helpful as she used to be. It's embarrassing." Oh, I feel so bad. Not really.
You know the old expression, "love me, love my dog"? Well, this is my dog. My life is sucky right now, again. I know that all of you have all the answers because I know how well your lives run. I know that by nature we are all gossipy, caring, judgemental pricks and bitches. I know this because I am one too. I know that I should not be so negative and that everyday is a holiday and every meal a banquet. I know that things could be worse. I know that I am not that fun to be around all the time and, ew, that is a burden for everyone else.
I know that your path is not mine. I know that my path is improvised a lot. I know that when your life is on an up cycle all the world is beautiful and everyone else is just so wrong. When your life if on a down cycle every force in the universe is against you and happy people make you want to vomit. When life is good there are answers everywhere and it is easy to take lemons and make lemonade. When life is bad the lemon just squirts you in the eye. If you are reading this and you think this paragraph was written for you, that's called paranoia. That's what psychiatrists are for, (see, funny again). I am using the Royal "you", so to speak.
Still my favorite expression, "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions". I have learned and know full well that we judge based on the exact moment in time based on more factors than can be calculated. I know that life is sometimes a struggle and sometimes it is all downhill and a lovely coast. I know that friendship is hard and standing by someone when you least want to is difficult. I know that being on the periphery is much different than being in the eye. Second favorite expression, "it isn't an adventure til it's over".
You may not know that nervous breakdowns are also a blessing in disguise. There is such clarity among the chaos. I will come out of this much stronger and better. I will be happier and more at peace with me. I will not struggle with the day to day doubts anymore, that will finally be behind me. Definition is at the end.
Look out world, here I come.
It's been a bumpy flight but the landing will be awesome.
LBB
Some of you are gasping. "I can't believe she would say that out loud! What are we going to do with her? Intervention?" Nah, I don't need an intervention, I need time, peace and apparently lots of drugs. I don't especially like the drugs but after all the therapy I could come up with on my own I finally said, "doctor time", through tears and screaming. Life's pressures kept building in me and I finally had to burst. It was quite dramatic and I believe for just a moment the doctor was looking for a taser. OK, see THAT line is supposed to be funny.
If you have never had a nervous breakdown or if your life has never collapsed around you, these are things you need to know. 1. You don't always recognize what's happening. 2. Everyone around you does. 3. Therapy is great for people who have a difficult time opening up. 4. Psychiatry is for people who have serious mental disorders not life balance problems. 5. Nervous breakdowns are long term issues not a short series of bursts. 6. I am not going to kill you. 7. I am not going to kill myself. 8. Emotions are difficult to control under some conditions. 9. It isn't you, it is me. 10. You need to shut up.
I am quite aware that I am verbose and say whatever I want whenever I want. Oops. My bad. Sometimes it is because I firmly believe in what I am saying and don't really care if you agree with me or not. It is not an argument, it is merely me expressing my former charming, funny self. I can't always work up a comedy routine on the spot. Other times I am merely having a bad day and didn't go through the mental check list of appropriate behavior before I bit your face off. See, nervous breakdown really means the inability to control your emotions. So, if you hang around me long enough I will bite your head off or cry. It's a given, sorry. Promise I will get better, doing the very best I can right now.
Drama Queen. Yes, sometimes I am one and always have been. Not now. This is been the most difficult four years of my life. I have not had the happiest experiences in my life up to this point. I am old. By this stage of life we've all had crap. My crap has been rather extreme at times, abusive husband, drunken husband, (I can pick 'em). Unexpected, thrilling pregnancy, uterine cancer, all in the same week, Job I loved then hated. Heroin addicted stepson, dying mother in law, death of stepson from an overdose, death of mother in law, finding my parents living in squalor both with dementia and alcoholism. Poor me. Poor everyone.
The day their dog exploded was the last day I could cope. If you have never seen a dog whose intestines have burst you haven't lived. My parents always forgot to give the dog any foods but milk with some cereal and ice cream. The dog loved it. I put signs around the house about what to let the dog eat. I fed the dog real, expensive, fancy dog food. He liked the cereal and ice cream. He burst. Dog shit covered every surface the dog could reach, all the furniture, the walls, the beds, the carpet. After three years I was done.
I do have a sibling, he lives far away and has his own set of incredibly horrible problems. In other words, he can't help much or often with our parents. That leaves everything to me. I live three peoples lives. I make decisions for three people, life altering decisions, financial decisions, what to do with everything my parents own, decisions. It gets to be a huge burden at times. Some days I don't handle it especially well. Some days I can barely climb out of the pit long enough to eat. Sleep is a memory many nights. Running on empty is hard.
I have had good friends call me psycho and mean it. Not in a joking way but in a, "you ain't right because you are psycho", way. I have friends who tell friends who of course tell me how much I need help. I should this read this self help book or go see a therapist. Nah, not my style. Therapists don't help and have no answers. "How did that make you feel?" And, "try these mental exercises...always remember this...never do that....keep a journal, get in touch with your inner child". All band aids in my stubborn opinion. Hurl. How about let me get through this section of my life and if my attitude bugs you get out of my way. That works just fine for me.
For those of you who have not figured it out yet Lillybell Blues is my therapy and much better than a journal. I lay my life open in cyberspace. That brings more clarity and satisfaction to me than anything else I have tried so far. I spill my guts and make you laugh, think, cry or angry. You get to enjoy or hate what I write. That is your choice. And remember no one has to read anything, there will not be a test.
I moved my rants to a group specifically because I heard through the grapevines, if you think they don't exist you haven't learned much in life, that some of you think I have lost it. "Says whatever she wants, always stoned and angry, it's just too much, I don't want her around my real friends, my new friends, she isn't near as helpful as she used to be. It's embarrassing." Oh, I feel so bad. Not really.
You know the old expression, "love me, love my dog"? Well, this is my dog. My life is sucky right now, again. I know that all of you have all the answers because I know how well your lives run. I know that by nature we are all gossipy, caring, judgemental pricks and bitches. I know this because I am one too. I know that I should not be so negative and that everyday is a holiday and every meal a banquet. I know that things could be worse. I know that I am not that fun to be around all the time and, ew, that is a burden for everyone else.
I know that your path is not mine. I know that my path is improvised a lot. I know that when your life is on an up cycle all the world is beautiful and everyone else is just so wrong. When your life if on a down cycle every force in the universe is against you and happy people make you want to vomit. When life is good there are answers everywhere and it is easy to take lemons and make lemonade. When life is bad the lemon just squirts you in the eye. If you are reading this and you think this paragraph was written for you, that's called paranoia. That's what psychiatrists are for, (see, funny again). I am using the Royal "you", so to speak.
Still my favorite expression, "we judge others by their actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions". I have learned and know full well that we judge based on the exact moment in time based on more factors than can be calculated. I know that life is sometimes a struggle and sometimes it is all downhill and a lovely coast. I know that friendship is hard and standing by someone when you least want to is difficult. I know that being on the periphery is much different than being in the eye. Second favorite expression, "it isn't an adventure til it's over".
You may not know that nervous breakdowns are also a blessing in disguise. There is such clarity among the chaos. I will come out of this much stronger and better. I will be happier and more at peace with me. I will not struggle with the day to day doubts anymore, that will finally be behind me. Definition is at the end.
Look out world, here I come.
It's been a bumpy flight but the landing will be awesome.
LBB
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